Christmas

I can truly say, I had a awesome Christmas even though I was uncomfortable being pregnant. We had Jeff's family over on Christmas Eve. Then on Christmas morning Jeff and I opened presents and then went to his parents house for breakfast and presents. We then had to leave to meet up with my mom at our house for lunch. Then back to Jeff's parents house for dinner. We agreed that this is our last Christmas doing this. Next year we are going to be at his parents for breakfast and then for dinner, it will be with my mom at our house. Its not fair for us to be driving 25 mins to his parents, back to our house then to my mom's and back up to his parents. We are spending 2 and half hours of driving on Christmas Day. So we will stay at his mom's til about 1 or so and then go down to our house and cook dinner. Now that we will have Isabella, we cant be driving all day long. If it was up to me, I would just stay at my house only and if they want to see us on Christmas day, then you come down but Jeff doesnt agree.

As for Christmas presents, I got my new cell phone, perfume and Nintendo! Of course, Jeff has been playing my Nintendo. I think he bought it for himself. =) Thats okay because after 10 minutes of playing, my feet and hands start to swell up because I am sitting on the floor. It doesnt reach our couch so.. you have to sit on the floor. We got lots of stuff off our baby registry, which is good. I think we only have maybe 10 or so items left to buy. We arent buying any gates or safetly items just yet. We are going to wait til she starts crawling around. Speaking of baby... I am ready to have this baby!! Cant wait!!! Even though her room is coming together, I feel so unprepared meaning my job. Nobody is taking my place at work. I know I will probably be working durning my supposely "maternity leave" which will suck since I am only taking off 5 weeks. I havent been busy at work but I know once I go on maternity leave, everyone will want to buy office equipment. I could be wrong but thats how it always works out.
Here is a recent pic of my belly! This is on Friday:

34 weeks

I am so excited!! I went to my 34 week appt and we talked about basically stripping my membranes on my next appt if I have dilated a little bit. I am super excited to get things going. Scared but ready to have my body back. I cant stand longer than a half hour if that and if I do then it hurts to even stand or walk at all. I dont have any ankles which is funny. I am hoping to take pictures of my feet next time I swell up as well as my big belly. I am so over this and my dr could tell. I dont even think I could last 40 weeks with my size. My belly is basically low and out. If she was higher, I dont think I could breathe. So anyways... I am hoping to have this baby girl in the next 3-4 weeks!! Lets hope for 3!

By the way... Have a Merry Christmas!!

I'm a baby

I am a big fat baby. My newest symptom is pain in the inner thighs and pain in crotch. It feels like a horse kicked it. So it hurts to walk, lift my legs, to move around in general. Then I drop everything, spill everything on myself, cant put my socks on or shoes.. and I wanna cry everytime. I can barely clean the house. Just vaccuming hurts my back. I want to clean this house from head to toe and I cant do it. Then I am stressing about everything. Bella's room is not done. Projects are not done around the house and I was hoping this would all be done when I am 37 weeks. We have 4 weeks left and 2 weeks of that is Christmas time and New years. I just wanna cry and scream at the same time. I have no control. I hate depending on someone else to do the things I wanna do.
I am just so ready to give birth to this little girl. I was so nervous about the whole labor experience and now... I just want my body back. I am so uncomfortable and in pain, I cant wait to give birth. I know once I am in labor, I will probably say I'd give anything to stay pregnant but right now I'd give anything to get her out. I dont know how you would be pregnant and have a toddler at the same time. Its work. I just feel so much more for pregnant women and if I have a friend who is pregnant again, I will help them more than ever.

32 week and counting

So on Monday, we had a crazy day. I had cramping and back pain which = to contractions. It wasnt the normal contraction once a day, it was for 3 and a half hours with peaks. Luckily we had a dr. appt on Tuesday. We got our first internal exam and my cervix is CLOSED!! So its basically Braxton Hicks. The Dr. said her head is REALLY low. So cute!! So no baby for the month of December. I was not ready for her to be here just yet. Her room is a mess! Once we get her closet system and bins, everything will be put away. Otherwise we are doing great. Blood pressure was like 112. Growing on target, which means she should be a 7-7.5lb baby.
Though I'm so annoyed with being pregnant. My stomach gets in the way of everything. My clothes are too tight and I not about to go out and buy more clothes when she will be here in 6-7 weeks. Getting in and out of the car. Putting on shoes. Getting off the couch. Reaching for something. I am tired of the back pain that comes with cleanning my house. I am tired of my feet hurting especially in the morning. I am tired of being bloated. Speaking of bloated... Jeff and I got maternity pictures this past Saturday. We just got them back and ..... I hate them. I look SO bloated in the face. The only ones I really like are the ones focused on my belly. There are maybe 2 shots of Jeff and I that I like and thats about it. Very disappointing. I am happy to know that we will probably spend more money on shots of Isabella than my Maternity shots. At least I wont look back and wish I had done it. Maybe its just me. I thought being pregnant was a beautiful thing but for me... its a different story.

31 weeks

So I had my baby shower on the 23rd and it turned out great. We got lots of clothes and I'd say about 10-15% stuff from our registry. Only thing that sucked was I didnt get alot of pictures. I was so busy talking to everyone, that I forgot to ask someone to take pictures. I know we did get a picture of the cake and some of me opening gifts but thats about it. I didnt get any with the mom's, the family or just everyone in general. Bummer!! Oh well.
So since Jeff and I didnt get much off our registry, we decided for Christmas we would ask everyone to buy off our registry. Jeff and I are not exchanging gifts this year since we have Isabella on the way. She is more important. Besides Jeff and I hate coming up with a christmas list anyways. We are old enough to were we can just buy it for ourselves anyways. I am hoping next year we can all agree on just buying for the kids.

Dr Appts:
Since 28 weeks, I go to the dr every 2 weeks. Last appt, my blood pressure was good. Only gained 2 lbs. Thats a lb a week!! We talked about inducing a week early since I am in pain. Some days are worse than others. We are hoping she drops but if she doesnt I might be in pain even more as she puts on the weight. The hospital I am delivering at will only induce a week early. So thats a possiblity. I am actually ready to have her now. I am tired of being pregnant. Its a pain in the butt to drive, get in and out of the car, to bend over, to put socks on, shoes on or off. I am annoyed. I am ready for her to come out but we are SO not ready for her to come home. I am planning on having everything done by first week of January. Since Christmas is on a Thursday, we will most likely be off Wed, Thurs, Friday, come back Monday and Tuesday and be off Wednesday and Thursday the following week. So I will have plenty of time to get things done. =) And I cant wait to get back to the gym. I think about everyday. I miss it and I cant wait for the challenge of losing this weight.

28 weeks

So lamaze class was good!! I got a hand, foot and back massage. Poor Jeff!! It felt SO good!! Class was good!! I knew alot of it except relaxation techniques. I am not so scared anymore. At least for right now. I am actually ready for her to come out. So I mentioned in my last post that I was having back pains and stomach pains for awhile now. Well I had my 28 week appt on Tuesday. I mentioned this pain to my dr. So she said lets get a galbladder ultrasound. So Wednesday since I was getting my Rhogam shot at Christ, might as well schedule the ultrasound. A little history about my family: My mom, aunt and grandma have had their galbadders taken out. My mom was really sick when she was pregnant with me. She had stones in her galbadder. So.. knowing this.. dr and I are worried. When I was getting the ultrasound we saw her foot near my galbadder and she kept kicking the tech. Cute huh? I told the tech that she would be punished when she is out for doing so. She laughed. So anyways, we didnt see anything in there really but of course you have to wait for the dr to review the results. They also scanned my kidneys, lungs, and liver. So if everything comes back okay... its her! She is killing me. I am seriously asking the dr when can I get induced. I'm in pain bending over, standing, and sitting (worse of all). If I am not laying down, it hurts. If you touch my belly, its a raw feeling. It hurts just rubbin my belly on the right side. I am so sore or bruised from her... or whatever this may be. Otherwise... everything is good with my health. BP was good. Weight gain was... same as last month. Basically its alot!! I really dont eat that bad compared to some other girls. I think its water retention. I really dont drink enough water. I promised myself .. to start drinking more water. Its really hard when your not thirsty. Oh well

Its been awhile

So much to say.. so little time!! Sorry I havent blogged much! We've been busy with getting Bella's room done along with everything else. Jeff and I have my Lamaze (sp?) Class tomorrow. We decided to do it in one-day because its a 30-45 min drive to the hospital. Plus classes were from 6:30pm-8:30. Traffic would be horrible at that time. So thats why we are taking this class in one day. We also have another class: Save a Baby in January. I only have 12 weeks left which is scary to me. I am so NOT ready to give birth. I am not scared about being a parent or the labor part. I am just scared that something will happen to me. I almost have panic attacks over this. I am also afraid of having panic attacks while in labor. I hate when I am not in control. My body has knots all over and even the massage I got a couple of weeks ago didnt relax me. My only complains I have being pregnant is that she pushes on nerve in my stomach so a part of my stomach goes numb. Its like when you lay on your hand for too long. I also get these back cramps everyday. I have knots in my back and it hurts so bad sometimes that I really want to cry. Otherwise, I would be just fine. Along with me being scared of labor, I keep wondering if she is healthy. I also wonder if she will really be here. I cant picture her here with us. I know a part of this is because of my miscarriage. Like I said in the previous post.. it still effects me. The only thing I bought her was the 4 little outfits the day I found out she was a girl. Oh and her furniture. My baby shower is on the 23rd of November. I want to say make sure I have receipts. I'm excited but dread doing her room. In my mind, I could still lose her. It sucks!!! I hate thinking these things. I wish I could be positive. When we talk about plans for the future, I always say in my mind, lets just wait and see. Wait and see if she is here. It sad!!
Along with all this crap on my mind, I have drama in my family. Basically to make it short and sweet, my mother in law doesnt have the time to help plan my baby shower. And when she does, its waiting til the last minute. She doesnt want to help us out for one night with the dogs while I am in labor with her grandchild because she needs to snuggle with Jeff's dad. Its sad! Its makes me wonder..... can I (we) count on her for anything?? This is really important to me and I sit here and feel like we arent important. She has ruined it for me. This is not what I had envision. Now, I dont want her there at the hospital. Ha.. I dont even know if she would of came. Now, I dont want to her to help with the baby shower. Come as a guest! I am just sad because this is our first baby to make it and its my baby shower. When I look back, it wont be a happy time for me. I guess nothing in life is perfect.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be a sad day for me! I was due October 24th! It came so fast. I am so happy that Jeff and I are kinda going out of town for the weekend. Its just one night. The sad part is that Jeff probably wont remember what day it is. I know he is focused on our new due date but how can you forget. I know with my miscarriage it was hard to for him to understand. I will light a candle for my angel and say a little prayer on Friday. Now that I am pregnant with our second, I get the question all the time: Is this your first one?? I always pause to think about what I am going to say, every time. Sometimes I say: no... well... this is our first thats made it so far. It always shocks them. They dont know what to say. Then I feel bad that I said something to make them uncomfortable. Then medically I am always answering 2nd pregnancy. Sometimes I say yes quickly and then realizing I forgot about my angel. I question myself do I want to take a step back or forward. I feel bad when I think of my 1st (what would of been) with Isabella on the way and then I feel bad when I am focused on Isabella and dont think of my 1st. Confusing huh?

I thought I would get the 2 pregnancies confused but I never did. I never have thought about my 1st was in my belly when I have been pregnant with Isabella. The two pregnancies are so different.
My miscarriage still effects me everyday. Everyday, I pray for her to move, to make sure she is still here with us. I am so scared she wont be healthy. I am so scared that something will happen to her and/or me when I give birth. I am still scared that I will miscarry even though I am 25 weeks pregnant. It also has effected on how I reacted to things such as when I found out, it was a phone call to Jeff. Not a gift with a card to Jeff. I really havent bought anything for her except the crib furniture and 4 outfits. In the back of my mind, is she really going to be here?? I didnt do a pregnancy journal. I am afraid of my baby shower. Everyone is expecting a baby to come and I dont know if I can deliver. I cant promise that there will be a baby in Feb. Only god knows. I do have my positive days but its hard not to step back and think, will she be here???

I have an awesome husband and 24 weeks

Jeff surprised me with a piece of pumpkin pie. I have been talking about this over and over but not with him. He knew I liked it but didnt know I've been craving it!! I love him. Things are getting better around here. The stress is slowly fading away. Jeff has been working on Isabella's room and the hallway. He cant wait for her to be here ! We both know that nothing else matters when she arrives.
By the way, here is my 24 week picture. I am not looking so hot anymore. I've been blowing up... It sucks!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be a year when Tommy passed away from soft tissue sarcoma. It would've been a better day not knowing that my friend's mom has been diagnosed with sarcoma as well. My heart goes out to my friend. She has already had a bad year and then to find out, your mom has cancer. We should be all blessed for our health. I am serious! We take it for granted. If you have any lumps on your body..... PEOPLE get it checked out!!!!!!

That's all I have for now.

SO HAPPY

We have renters!!!!! For two years!!! They signed the paperwork last night!!! Such a relief!! That is one less thing off our back!! We are still cautious but at the same time... less stress is deserved!!! All that praying, crying and stressing out has paid off. I am blessed to have renters!!! So Jeff and I are going on a date this weekend and we are going to order the nursery furniture as well. We havent been on a date in a long...... time. Almost a year. WOW.. in 3 more months, we have lived at our new house for 1 year!! This year has been so eventful. With our miscarriage, pregnant again, the stresses of two houses, grandpa with cancer, grandma with cancer, ........ we dont need anymore events. Lets just enjoy the rest of the year!
Tommy's death is 1 year on Sunday. Poor mom!! I wont be there because I have a bridal shower to go to and its over an hour away. I am going to have to do something on this day. Either take a moment to remember him or drive further and visit his site. Not sure yet. I hate dealing with death. I dont like to talk about it, nor visit in any way.

I hate AMERICA!!

I am so sick of America. People buying houses they cant afford and not living within your means. Its always about what your have!! Come on people. Stop living off your credit cards and pay them off!!! Stop buying clothes for yourself and your kids and pay off the credit cards. Stop buying 400,000 homes when you "really" cant afford it. JUST STOP IT. Stop buying foreign cars. When you buy a BMV, Toyota, etc.. etc... you are handing a check over seas. Come on people!!! THINK!!!! It just pisses me off! Buy American cars... it keeps our money here!!!! It will help out the economy. I could keep going and going... but I am not!! Sigh.......

Her full name is.....

Isabella Faith Stevens!!

Isabella- Devoted to God or God is my oath
Faith- Faithful
Stevens

Pictures of Isabella

21 weeks front!!
Holy COW!!!!













21 weeks













20 weeks













18 weeks

A daughter......

I am having a daughter and I am so excited! I never thought I would have that parental feeling before having her in my arms but I do. I want my daughter to have everything that I didnt have as a child. I want her to be raised with two parents instead of one. I want her to be raised with morals and values. I want her to be close with us. I want her to know god and believe in him more than I ever will. I want her to go to college. I want her to have a job that makes her happy. I will tell her that she is the most beautiful bride in the whole wide world, no matter what the price tag says. I will be there for her and support her in any decisions she makes. I want our daughter to make a difference in this world.

Its 3:47 am and we need a prayer

I dont know what to do but to ask for a prayer or two. I'm considering asking my church for a prayer as well on Sunday.
Reasons why..... our 2nd house. We have some people interested in our home but it doesnt look like it will work out. They seem like nice people but havent been truthful about things. Our last hope is down the drain. Most of the night Jeff has been up and I was sleeping but now.. Jeff is asleep and I am up. I am about lose it literally.
Work isnt all that great because of the economy. So that puts alot of stress on me since most of the money I make is commission. Do you know how much babies cost? Alot!! How are we going to pull this off??? We arent enjoying life, we arent enjoying our new house and we arent enjoying my pregnancy. Life is on hold. All we think about is our 2nd house. Its September and its not sold or rented out. I think we have til about the beginning of November before it gets worse. What could be worse? Having a baby with 2 mortgages. What also sucks is that I dont get paid maternity leave. Can you believe that? What kind of company doesnt provide for there employees? Oh I know!! Mine doesnt! Even if we put our new house up for sale... who wants to buy a house with scratched up hardwood floors. Oh yes... our mortgage( 2nd house) goes up in November with Christmas on its way. Our insurance doubled on our 2nd house because its empty. Lesson learned??? Whats really important?? Patience???? I really dont know what our lesson is until it ends. But if I had to say, all of it! God sure does work in mystery ways.

But in the end... we are so blessed to be able to pay two mortgages. We are blessed to be pregnant. We are blessed to have family and friends around us. We are blessed to have two jobs. We are blessed to have our health. We are blessed for our new house. We are blessed!!!

My 29th Birthday

I'm 29!!! I am lucky in a sense that I have alot of people who love me. I actually got to celebrate my birthday all weekend. Jeff took me to Mitchell's Fish Market on Friday night and we just watched a movie at home. Saturday, we went to Olive Garden with my mom. I got some of the dishes I wanted from Kohls. I got a card from my dad which is very depressing. I wonder about him sometimes. How's he doing but at the same time, I can not forgive him for what he did. I tried years and years ago but he ended up making a comment or two that a father should not do and realized he has not changed. Its taken me a long time for me to see a father and daughter relationship as normal and for me to see my father again would just stir up all kinds of emotions andI just dont want to go there. For those who dont know who my father is, he is an abusive man. I am talking about in every way: emotionally, physically, and sexually. He is a pervert. He will never change. I was messed up for a big part of my life. I had my ups and downs but I think that is normal for a teenager trying to discover herself. I messed up a few times in my early twenties as well. I hope God doesnt judge me for what I did. All I can do is to try to forgive myself and ask for forgiveness from God and hope for the best. So Anyways, I am nothing like my dad. I might have his skin tone and his hair color but thats it. When he dies... he will not be remembered. He will not live on because he doesnt deserve it. My children will never know him. My father will never know he has grandchildren. He will never see a picture or meet them. NEVER! Its just the way things are. I am a victim and I have survived.
So my mom tells me to call him to thank him for the check he gave me. First present in a couple of years. I said dont worry about it. Its between me and him. She said well you should because if you dont he will call me. I said I dont even know if I will cash the check. That means I would have to sign my new name and he could get a hold of that and fiqure out that I am married and try to find me. By the way, he doesnt know I got married. My mom has always said call him or go see him when she knows damn well what he did to us. I think this is the reason why I am not so close to her. I do love her but it doesn't mean I have to be close to her.

So anyways on Sunday, I celebrated with my in-law's. Since grandpa is still in the nursing home, we went up there. They got City BBQ and we got pizza. I got more dishes and some money!! It was a great time as always. I wish my mom in law would have cooked my favorite dish but she has been overwhelmed with taking care for grandma and grandpa.

Movement is here

Well, I know for sure now that I have been feeling movement for the past week. Some days are more active than others. I can actually feel him from the outside. I cant feel the kick or anything but maybe a head or foot or butt. It gets real hard in areas where he is at. He likes being on the right side alot. I keep poking at him to move onto the left side and give my right side a break.=) But most of the time its fluttering and butterflies. I did take picture this week but I dont have my SD on hand so I will post tomorrow of my big belly.

Sunday afternoon I had a panic attack. NOT FUN!! I havent had an attack in a couple of years. Now.. I am worried that I will freak out when I go into labor and have a panic attack. I am getting a massage for my b-day soon and I am hoping that will relax me and get rid of all this stress!! I really didnt know it was bothering so much until now. I think my stress is more on the 2nd house. I know.. your probably sick of hearing me talk about the 2nd house but I am tired too. I wish I could say.. we dont have to worry about it. So anyways that it for now!!!

Update

Belly at 16 weeks.


Well Grandpa did a stress test and he passed. Dr's were surprised!! He had surgery on Sunday morning. Good morning to do this on!! They got everything out!! And now its healing time. He's in alot of pain. Guess what ... grandma is now scheduled for surgery next Tuesday to get the all the cancer out of her foot. If its not one thing... its another.

As for the house, this week we had two people fill out an application. Please pray that one of these people will work out. It makes me so sad to see our old house in Lebanon. I cry every time I see it. Jeff is always there to cheer me up. And then when he gets sad... I cheer him up. We can definitely lean on each other.

Otherwise... I am doing good. I thought I felt the baby move about 2 weeks ago but some say you cant feel it that early. But this Monday, it I felt it all day. It was like butterflies with discomfort. Nobody told me that there would be discomfort. Maybe its not the baby. I know I did feel a poke though. Yesterday I felt the baby again but not as much as Monday. Last night I was poking around trying to feel a poke again.. which I thought I did and I had Jeff put his hands on my belly to see if he could feel anything and he said no. But then Jeff said.. stop poking around.. you might break his leg. LOL... break his leg. I told Jeff that I cant hurt him by poking around. It was so cute. I told him that we have to add that story to the baby book.

16 weeks and alots of other stuff

Well everything is great with the baby. I am getting bigger and there is no hiding it. We had a checkup on Tuesday and I got my triple screen blood work done along with hearing the heartbeat. The bloodwork came back normal and heartbeat is strong. On Sept 16 at 10am is when we find out the sex of the baby. I am super excited about this. I think its a boy but now I am thinking its a girl because I think its a boy. Poor Jeff and his luck!! I know we will be happy with whatever god gives us but I really hope for a boy. Jeff would be so much more involved and watching him with Nicolas was great. But like I said, we would be happy with just a healthy child.
As for other crappy stuff going on in our life.....
First we cant sell our house or rent it or lease it. Our neighborhood sucks. Simple as that. As of right now.. I will be working for about a year after the baby is born. So much for the idea of being a full time stay home mom. Oh well shit happens.
More crappy stuff.... So we moved Jeff's grandma and grandpa here to Ohio. Well grandpa is in the hospital. He's been sleeping more than normal, wasnt eating and couldnt even hold himself up to walk. So he is in the hospital and getting lots of tests done. They found two lumps in his colon and we are waiting for test results as we speak. Also even if the lumps are cancerous, we cant do surgery because 1) he has had a triple by pass years ago 2) He is now in the process of Dementia. We just discovered this too. And they dont know if they can do chemo b/c he is very weak and old. He has been having hallucinations and is very confused. Grandpa is very mad and is being mean to the nurses and his own daughter. Its so sad. I guess he said yesterday that he wants to die. =( I dont care what he says.. we are saving his life. Back in NY, he would of kept sleeping and eventually died. The thing that pisses me off is he's been feeling this way for about a year now and he went to the dr(back in NY) and they really didnt find anything but yet this new dr said that there are all kinds of signs that showed this. It just sucks right now. I am going to see him today. I havent seen him hallucinating yet.. but I have been warned. It might not be a pretty picture today. Prayers and Prayers please!!!

By the way... I am so proud of my husband. He's been reading the bible every night before bed. Now that I have him going to church and reading the bible.. I am finding it hard for myself to believe since I have been praying for our house to be sold, rented or leased for months now. Not one sign. I am losing all faith. I dont understand his plan. I prayed for our new house- we got it. I prayed for a child - we got pregnant. So why cant he do something with our house? Why give us a new house and then not have things work out for the old house?

14 weeks

I am growing!!! I hate buying maternity clothes because they are made for tall or average size people. I'm short and I have a short torso so... everything is long on me. I went shopping this weekend and found a couple of items but I still need alot of clothes for work and for relaxing. Jeff and I are going to MI this weekend! I am hoping this is what I need. I need to get out of Ohio and stop stressing about our damn 2nd house. I really hate that house and cant wait for it to be sold, rented or leased. I rather be sold because I dont want to ever see that house again. I hate it!! Otherwise life is good. Work is picking up and Jeff is busy at work. I've attached a pic of my belly. Our next appt is on Aug 22nd. I dont know if they will tell me the sex of the baby at 16 weeks or 20 weeks. I heard 16 weeks on line but I'm not sure. I want to call the office but if they tell me 16 weeks, I am going to think about it non stop about the sex. I still believe its a boy. I havent had any pregnancy dreams yet but I do have the weirdest dreams. As for symptoms, I have a MAJOR headache everyday!! Still sleeping alot. Good things: My skin looks great. Its been this way for awhile now. Otherwise, life at the home front is great. Oh we did move Jeff's grandparents to Ohio from New York. We've been there everyday unpacking for them. I think last night was the first night they stayed at the new house. I am so excited for them. Now at the family dinners it will be 9 adults and 2 babies. WOW and in February it will be 3 babies. Big family huh!!

Oh yeah... is it possible to be pregnant with twins without knowing it?? I was listening to my little one's heartbeat and I normally hear the heart rate at 140 but every once in awhile I will hear a heartbeat of 170's!? I dont move it very much. I know its true because the heart is filled on the doppler so its a strong beat. I dont know. Maybe I make the baby's heart rate jump when I am listening. I told Jeff about it and he said we've seen the whole body of our baby and there wasnt another baby around. I guess.......... but still... could this happen???

13 weeks and counting

So.. I made it!! Here I am in 2nd trimester. It went so fast!!! It kinda scares me though.. because before we know it, we will hopefully have a baby in our arms. I've attached my 12 week ultrasound. Let me explain the pictures starting from the top:
1. Profile of face
2. Legs stretched out
3. Legs are crossed
4. You can see the eye socket- kinda freaky
5. Baby waving hi
6. Measurements - Perfect

As for symptoms, I am still tired and sleeping alot. I still have alot of lower back pain. And right now my belly has been itching since last night. And of course I am emotional.

Update on our 2nd house: It sucks!!! We cant sell it, lease it or rent it for the life of us!!!

12 week Appt

Our appt went great, awesome, terrific, blown away!! They did another ultrasound and we got so many good shots of the baby. One: with legs spread out, Two: Looking straight up, Three: Face shot with showing an eye shocket, Four: with their legs crossing over, Five: Baby waving his hand, Six: Measurements, which he/she is growing on target. Baby was moving alot!!!! It was really neat to see him/her moving around. We also got to hear the heart beat too. It was between 158-160.
My blood pressure is awesome and I only gain 2 lbs. So that makes a total of 3 lbs for 1st trimester. Funny thing is I have been eating out everyday and I eat Oreos just about every night. Maybe I gained all the weight I needed with my first. Dont forget my lovely 10lbs. I never weight myself at home anymore. I just go by what the dr says. I was for sure thinking I gained 5lb since I feel and look bigger.
Then after Jeff and I had dinner tonight, we pulled out our doppler and finally found the heart beat as well. This time registering at 148-152. We videotaped it!!! I finally feel as though I can breathe and enjoy my pregnancy. No more worries and if so, I can always pull out the doppler. I am truly happy and blessed!

This weekend

This weekend we finally decided to go to church! Ive been wanting to go for a long time but Jeff said we had too many projects to do around the house. Since we've been stressed and stressed about our house and among other things, we thought that church would be good. We always feel better. Well we decided to go to Lifepoint Church. It was great. I think it was kinda meant to be. I been thinking about a couple of things and I guess my questions got answered. We had a couple of people introduce themselves to us. One of them live in our neighborhood. =) They have a 3 year old and one on the way. Weird thing though her due date is Oct 25th. I almost freaked out when he told us. Lucky me she wasnt there when he told me. But as soon as we met, first thing I wanted to do was to look at her belly to see how far long I would've been. I kept staring at her belly. I couldnt help it. I was so happy to blessed with this child yet I had to go back and remember my other child. I felt kinda bad afterwards. Why out of all the churches we talked about that morning, we found one that had a pregnant women that was due around my old due date??? WHY???

12 weeks today

So I am 12 weeks today. Symptoms are sciatica for sure, tired and my boobs hurt a little but thats about it. The sciatica has been a real problem for me. I hate sitting on my ass. Seriously it hurts. I am really sore in my back and butt. I would die for one a massage right now. I cleaned the house yesterday. Only thing differently I did was mop the floors and bring some empty boxes up from the basement. I took frequent breaks because I was tired but by the end of the day... my BACK was killing me. I didnt even want to get up. I guess I did too much. About 7-8 years ago I injured my back, my lumbar. I did everything the dr's asked me to do and it never healed. Then I went to a massage therapist and she healed me. I went every couple of days to once a week and then once a month. I was able to go back to work after just a few sessions but my point was.. I am wondering if my lumbar is acting up? It my right side that hurts more than anything. I am thinking I will be needing lots of massages during this pregnancy. Tuesday is my 12 week appt. So wish us good luck!! Hopefully we will be in the clear here soon.

I could cry... wait.. I have....

So I got my hair colored today. I decided not to go back to my natural but to do an all over color. So I asked for Golden Brown and I got BLACK. Well its a chocolate DARK brown. Everyone at work loves it and of course I hate it. I cried!! Now I feel just fat and ugly.

Jeff's cousin had an Ectopic Pregnancy and had either her left or right side tube taken out. My first instinct is to send a card out for their loss. Then I thought wait... did I even receive a card for our loss? NO!!! Of course I got upset and mad.. DAMN those hormones and then realized that I guess I will be the better one in this situation even though I could cry that they didnt acknowledge our loss. Sigh......

11 weeks

Ive made it to 11 weeks and I cant believe it. There is no hiding this baby anymore. Neighbors are asking or figuring it out. You should see my belly after I eat. I look like I am 20 weeks in some people but I'm of course short and petite so I dont think this baby has a choice but to show. It worries me on what I will look like at 20 weeks. I seriously dont know where this baby will go. Jeff and I think I will have a little basketball. That would be awesome. Only time will tell. Anyways.. my next appt is Tuesday, July 22nd. I dont think we will get another u/s since we've already had 3. So it will probably be just blood work. Well that's all I have for now.

Once again

Once again... I think I am not pregnant. At least I think my symptoms are fading away seriously. Jeff and I ordered a heart doppler yesterday and I cant wait for it to get here. I thought about calling my dr. but I keep saying to myself... if its going to happen, its going to happen. There is nothing I can do to change what God has planned. Of course, I dont know if I could handle another miscarriage. I've thought about it and I dont think I would want to try again. Too heart breaking. But I will keep praying that we have a healthy baby. I might say I wish it was a boy or a girl from time to time and I have to have the baby in February for sure but when it comes down to it, we just want a baby, a healthy one. I dont think that too much to ask. Is it? Another reason why I dont think I am pregnant is because of my picture we took for 10 weeks. I dont think I look any bigger... maybe the same but not bigger. If you look at my 1st pregnancy photos, you can see my belly not changing from weeks 7 to 8. Jeff and I just started last week taking photos of my belly. I guess this is the reason why I didnt want to but a friend of my mine said I should. I know I should.. but my last pregnancy took the joy out of this one.
On top of all this... our house wont sell for the life of us. We have showings after showings and Jeff and I put our house in the paper under LEASE TO OWN and we only had two calls about it. I thought our phone would be ringing at least a couple of times through out the week. BUT NO!!! We even placed a St. Joesph at the house and said a prayer to help sell the house. I am so sad because two houses down from us, they put there house on the market a couple of weeks ago. This weekend it says "SALE PENDING". I looked at Jeff and said I guess our house is not pretty enough.
I go back and forth about what if's. Should we have bought this new house? But then again, whats wrong with getting a better layout,a better yard at an AWESOME price?

Jeff and I always try to do everything right. We always try to stay on our budget and invest when we can, we dont buy things we dont need, we always take care of the things we have and we are greatful. We work hard for what we have. We earned it. But when will Jeff and I get a break? We try to be responsible and yet we never fall on our feet flat. There are so many people out there that are not responsible and then there is always someone there to save them. How is this fair? We work hard and try hard and yet we get nothing. Those people never learn from their mistakes but yet money is at their door handed on a sliver platter. I know we are better people at the end of the day but all we want is our house to be sold and have a healthy baby. Am I asking too much God?

My Belly at 9 weeks

8 weeks

6 weeks

8 - 9 Weeks

We had another dr's appt on Tuesday which made me 8 weeks and 2 days. I have been so sick with food. I havent thrown up but I wonder if that would be better. The dr. gave me some other prenatal vitamins and she said it would help with being sick. So far so good.
At our 8 weeks appointment, all we did was an ultrasound. We saw the arms/hands sticking out and the legs. It was pretty cool. Baby's heartbeat looked great and he's is growing at the right speed. Weird thing though, with our 1st pregnancy, our 8 weeks ultrasound does NOT look the same. What scares me the most is that the nurse practitioner should have looked at the baby and noticed that the baby looked like 6/7 weeks instead of 8 weeks. Makes me wonder about her judgment. Should I trust her??? I know she has been in the business for a long long time and has 4 children on her own as well, but I just wonder.. what was she thinking that day. I dont know if it would of be better if she said oh I am sorry, your baby isnt going to make it. Whats done is done but next time I do see her... I will ask... why didnt you notice, why didnt you say anything if you did notice? I dont know.. maybe I shouldnt say anything.

So with this pregnancy, its different. I am getting sick, my belly is alot bigger and I have lot more symptoms. Did I tell you, I think its a boy??? I believe it was a girl the first one and now I think its a boy. I guess we will see if mama's instinct is right. Though right now.. I am thinking I am not pregnant anymore. My boobs dont hurt that much, I haven't pee'd in the middle of the night the past couple of days. I havent been sick or that tired. I usually take a nap ASAP when I get home. I normally cant function without one. Well last night I stayed up til like 10pm without a nap. Of course, Jeff is telling me .... you are still pregnant. I mention earlier that I've been taking new prenatal vitamins to make me feel better... and I have... So if I really want to make sure I am still pregnant, I need to take the other prenatal vitamins.. and then I will be sick again. Yet I DONT want to be sick. And it will make me feel even more tired than I am. What if I'm not pregnant anymore??? My next dr's appt is in 4 weeks, July 22nd. So I am stuck with paying attention to my symptoms for the next 4 weeks. Jeff and I are going to buy doppler soon. They say at 10 weeks you might be able to hear the heartbeat. I cant wait. This is mainly for me, to help me stop worrying. I actually havent been worrying to much because I've been so sick and thats a good sign. Until now.....

Updates

I am sorry for not posting. Since I have been pregnant, I really couldnt blog about my day. Really the only thing I could still say about my miscarriage is that since I've been pregnant, its alot easier dealing with babies and pregnant women.

So on June 12th, we went in and had blood work done, and an ultrasound for 6 weeks. We could see the heart beat and the baby measured on time. So everything looked great. We were told to come back in 2 weeks which would make me 8 weeks. We have a 6 week ultrasound picture but the scanner isnt scanning it correctly. Will try later.

Okay.. we are expecting

Okay.... We are pregnant again. I got my BFP on May 23rd. I took another test on that following Sunday or Monday morning. The only reason I tested was because I was having cramps on my right side and it reminded me when I was pregnant the first time. Jeff and I werent trying. We were going to wait a month.. only because I wanted to lose the weight I gained from my first pregnancy. Oh well. I guess God wanted us to be pregnant again. =) I am so excited yet so nervous at the same time. I try to go on about my day not thinking about it. I dont want to get our hopes up and then lose another baby. And if I do... I know I will be even more pissed off. I am not sure if I would want to try again. But hopefully this time will stick. As for my pregnancy, dr's are going keep an eye on me. I called first thing on Tuesday morning to let them know that I was pregnant again. I went in for blood work that day.
Test results were: Betas 392
Progesterone: 38.2
I went in again on the that following Thursday for blood work.
Test results were: Betas 1200
The dr was pleased with the results. So she said we could come in on June 6th for U/S for Jeff and I decided to wait. We are already going in early. We have a 6 week appointment on June 12th. I figured I could wait but I dont think I can. I am going out of my mind. I am always checking my symptoms to make sure I am still pregnant.
Always checking when I go to the bathroom for blood. Having a miscarriage definitely takes away from the excitement of a new pregnancy. I dont know how offen the drs will have me come in. They consider me high risk yet at the same time, I am not. It doesn't make sense. I know.. I dont understand it either. The dr mentioned me coming in every week if I wanted to hear the heart beat. But since its a long drive, Jeff and I are going to buy one of those dopplers so we can hear the heartbeat every week at home.
So ... only symptoms I have are that I am tired, thirsty and I have cramps. My boobs arent sore like last time. Hopefully next week, they should start hurting. Otherwise, I am feeling great. Oh, on Sunday I was nauseous all day but thats it for sickness!! Of course I would rather be sick than have another miscarriage.

Sorry

Sorry I havent blogged much. I've been really tired and its been a bad month at work. I been trying to get some last minute deals in. But its not working. I hope I have an awesome month in June!!! PRAYERS PLEASE!!

As for my miscarriage, I am actually doing really well. Looking back on my blogs... I have improved alot!! I would never want to go through that again but of course only God knows if thats going to happen. I haven cried since I saw Emma for the first time. So thats 2 weeks!! Holy COW!!
I am though still upset that I havent finish my memory box for my little one. I need to finish that because I need to have closure and put it at rest. I am not saying I am over this because I am not. I think about my baby at least every other day. I think about what would of been.

I have been having life changing moments lately. WEIRD!! Such as I know someone could say I live everyday to the fullest. But they dont. I try really hard every day to live to the fullest. I try to put all my effort into whatever I am doing that day. I really cant explain it but when I look around, its different. I think to myself: If I died tomorrow, could I say that I made it my best day ever? Sometimes I think the majority of people get all wrapped up in their daily life. They forget why they are here. I know some people dont understand why, such as me but they have to try to believe that they are making a difference in this world. Now, I am trying to be a mom. I believe this is my only purpose besides making people feel beautiful. I do regret alot of my things in life. If I could change things I would finish college and go to dancing school. I love dancing. I wish my mom would of guided me in the right direction but she did the best she could. But then again, would I have met Jeff? The love of my life? He too wishes he went to pilot school. We are not talking normal flying, we are talking about F-18. But then again... would he have met me? Just somethings I have been thinking about.

I been wanting to go to church since we bought our new house but Jeff doesnt want to do because he's says that there is too much to do at the house. Yet.... we just watch tv and have coffee. We used to go all the time... for almost 2 years or so but after we got married, it stopped. I wonder why? I think I am going to start going by myself. Oh well if I look stupid. I have been mad at God because of my miscarriage and I have alot of making up to do. I have like 3 churches I would like to try out.


I was wondering... who is reading this? I only know of two people. Yet sometimes I have more than two vistors a day. Who are you? Can you at least say hi?

Age

5/23/2008

Check out this website:
www.peterrussell.com/Odds/VirtualAge.php

I am 28
Virtual Age: 15.9
Average Life Expectancy: 74
Your life Expectancy 86.1

I held Emma

5/22/2008

Well I did it. I faced my fear once again. The thought of holding her made me get all teary eyed. I went into the other room so no one would see me if I cried. First thought came to my head " I wish I was holding my baby" I actually thought for a moment or two that I was betraying my baby. But I had to say to myself, STOP IT. I was really good and I am really proud of myself. I am getting better in time. I cant help staring at pregnant women. I dont cry over it anymore. I get sad for a moment but I continue on about my day. Improvement people!!! I still get mad at times because of my body. Its a reminder everyday. I am working on it but my body just seems to not want to lose the weight. I am doing 45-50 mins of cardio 4-5 days a week and weight trainning. I started running last week. Jeff and I got some running shoes last weekend. I think we are going to go running on the weekends together.

Samatha Kay Sharp

5/16/2008

May 16th, 2008
8:19 a.m
8lbs 10oz

Emma Grace Diekman

5/16/2008

May 14th, 2008
4:14pm
9lbs 3oz

How was I??

5/15/2008
Pretty good!!! I cried before we went into the room. I cried when I saw Emma and I cried one more time because of the whole birth experience. It hit me like a rock that I wasnt going to have this experience with our baby. When I kept thinking about it, I wanted to cry. I had to keep saying to myself, you will have this one day. You will have this one day.But I do have this: There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their childern, I know I will be better.I will not be better because of genetics, or money or that I read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for my child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take the time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life. I will be happy to wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold or feed them. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision in which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I will be a better mother.....

Getting better with a few bumps in the road

5/13/2008
Tomorrow is the big day!! I have to face my fear and see Emma and maybe even hold her too. I talked with Jenny on Sunday and told her basically that I might be overwhelmed when I see or hold Emma. She understood. I just dont want to mess up her day and she said it would be okay so that made me feel more comfortable. I cried unexpectedly. Pray for me to be strong!!Jeff and I have talked about when to have another baby. I am not going to state what we decided because I dont want anyone to know we are trying and if I get pregnant, you probably wont know until I feel as though I am in the clear. In the back of my mind, I want to wait because of our 2 nd house. We need to sell our 2nd house. I want to be a stay home mom and to do that, our house needs to sell. I will not be happy if we have a baby and I would have to go back to work. I dont want someone else raising my child, PERIOD!!! And I dont get PAID maternity leave. But then again, we were due in October so we would be in the same situation. And then Jeff wants a Spring baby, April or May and I want a baby now. Other things I have considered is my weight. I gained 8 lbs during my pregnancy and 3 more lbs after my D & C. Apparently this happens to many women. I have been working my ass off literally and I maybe lost a lb in the past 5 weeks. Many women out there keep gainning weight and lucky me, I havent gained anymore but I think thats because I've been working out. I heard it can take up to 6 months or 6 weeks or your first cycle until you start loosing weight so.. what's the point in waiting. Another thing is ... if we we wait a couple of months and if I miscarry again, I will so FING pissed because I waited to just to lose some weight and just to see if our house sells. Whats really important here????So I got this book called "Empty Arms" on Friday. I read the book in one day!!!! I wish someone would of bought me a bunch of books when I miscarried. I wish I had this book from the beginning. I love this book. I love this book so much that I am going to read it again and again. It really helped me.The Bible offers HOPE and COMFORT: God was completely aware of the formation of your baby at every stage of life. "You saw me before I was born"You baby has not gone into "nothingness" your baby is with God. "I can never be lost to your Spirit! I can never get away from my God. God has a sovereign knowledge about each persons time for life and death. "You ....scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe" God knew all about the days of your baby in your womb. Your baby is a very real person to God.Just a few things that comfort me about my miscarriage. It talks about alot of things I have struggled with such as anger and being gulity (paying for my sins). Its helped me look at everything differently. I'll post more later.

Awesome Husband

5/9/2008
So last night, I walk through the door and Jeff got me one of my favorite flowers, Lilies. Along with a homemade card. First thought was ... whats this for? Looked at the card and it said Happy Mothers Day. I read the card and I almost cried. He then took me out to eat for Mother's Day. We went to Carabbas and had a nice dinner. We went home and watched our normal Thursday night shows. What an awesome husband! I am so lucky to have him.

I realized

5/8/2008
So, I had wrote on Monday (blog) about my weekend but I decided not to. Basically I didnt have a good day on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Jeff and I have been fighting about how to handle my miscarriage, feelings and how to handle some situations. I also saw my SIL on Sunday and of course I cried and my father in law made a comment that upset me as well. I amnow realizing that I am changed forever. I will not be that same person before my miscarriage. I have accepted that. I kept thinking to myself that I will go on about my routine schedule and it will be forgotten. But I now know, that wont happen. In my earlier blogs, I mentioned about my sister in law having a baby soon. I said that I couldnt go and now, I think I am going to face my fear. I think I am going to see the baby. I also dont know if I am going to fore warn my sister in law that I might cry. Grandparents are coming in on June 12th(?) and I will be seeing the baby every day for a week. I want to move on. I want to stop crying so maybe if I take this step, its for the better. I have cried and cried over this situation. Hopefully I got it all out. But if not, I guess its also time to let my family in. I have yet to talk about my miscarriage with my family. Its not like I dont want to, I just dont know where to start. I think I've said this in a earlier blog as well, that I've been embrrassed. After we heard the news of our miscarriage, I kept thinking in the car that I am so embrrassed to even tell his family. I dont want them to judge me. I felt as though I was a failure and I still do at times. My body couldnt even carry their 1st grandchild, a Stevens that is. Are they going to look down on me? I dont know what' its like to have a family that's close. I dont know what its like to have a family to support you. So for me, I dont know how to let them in. If I could do this all over, I would change alot of things. Right now though, I feel as though its too late.

What the hell was I thinking??

5/1/2008
Just when I think its safe because I havent really cried this week, I look up my friend's blog. She is from high school. She just had a baby this past Sunday. What the hell was I thinking? Baby steps Priscilla, Baby steps!

Guess who's here

4/29/2008
She came!! She came!! AF (Aunt Flow) is here! I was jumping with excitment last night!! So I am going to start checking my temps every morning and check my CF everyday. Hopefully my body isnt that wacked. It did take 30 days from the first day of my miscarriage. I know my body is telling me I am ready but I am not sure if I am emotionally ready. I decided to get help. I am going to start going to a support group every month. At least I am going to give it a try. I was going to talk to someone but Jeff doesnt want me to. He wants me to talk with him. So I told him somethings that he needed to do to help me. I've decided not to get on the pregnancy loss board anymore. All it was doing was making me think the negative stuff. There are 2nd and 3 rd losses every week. There are women who lost at 16 weeks, 32 weeks and so forth. And now I am scared out of my mind. So I am no longer allowed on that site. I have to think positive. POSITIVE!!! I was just going backwards I think and not forward. By the way I found this site: http://www.christendom-awake.org/pages/may/hopeforhealing.htmThis site is for Hope for Healing: Miscarriage and the Dignity of the Human BodyHere are some of my favorite quotes by the Pope: (IN NO ORDER)Motherhood is the fruit of the marriage union of a man and woman, of that biblical “knowledge” which corresponds to the “union of the two in one flesh” (cf. Gen 2:24). This brings about - on the woman’s part - a special “gift of self”, as an expression of that spousal love whereby the two are united to each other so closely that they become “one flesh”…. This mutual gift of the person in marriage opens to the gift of a new life, a new human being, who is also a person in the likeness of his parents. Motherhood implies from the beginning a special openness to the new person: and this is precisely the woman’s “part”. In this openness, in conceiving and giving birth to a child, the woman “discovers herself through a sincere gift of self”. The gift of interior readiness to accept the child and bring it into the world is linked to the marriage union, which - as mentioned earlier - should constitute a special moment in the mutual self-giving both by the woman and the man. According to the Bible, the conception and birth of a new human being are accompanied by the following words of the woman: “I have brought a man into being with the help of the Lord” (Gen 4:1)Motherhood involves a special communion with the mystery of life, as it develops in the woman’s womb. The mother is filled with wonder at this mystery of life, and “understands” with unique intuition what is happening inside her. In the light of the “beginning”, the mother accepts and loves as a person the child she is carrying in her womb (John Paul II, 1988, p. 66). Parenthood - even though it belongs to both - is realized much more fully in the woman, especially in the prenatal period. It is the woman who “pays” directly for this shared generation, which literally absorbs the energies of her body and soul. It is therefore necessary that the man be fully aware that in their shared parenthood he owes a special debt to the woman. These include loss of being pregnant and of the sense of oneness with the fetus, loss of anticipated motherhood, loss of special attention and care frequently accorded a pregnant woman, and loss of prenatal medical care. In addition, there is a crucial loss of self-esteem resulting from the woman’s inability to rely on her body and successfully give birth (Kay et al., 1997), p. 11).

I am tired

4/25/2008
am screaming inside my body and nobody knows. I cried on the way home yesterday. And today, I was feeling great until a girl that used to work here came in pregnant. I didnt see her because just thinking about it made my eyes water. Then someone comes up to me and tells me she is here and says.. her belly is this big. I am so sorry but why would you tell that to someone who just had a miscarriage. I started to cry so I left work for a little bit. I didnt want to hear everyone talking about her. I dont think I can take this any longer. I SO want to leave. I want to runaway and go on vacation. I know leaving wont make it go away but it will sure help me get away from where it all happened. I just want to be alone. I dont even know if I want Jeff there. I just want to crawl in a hole. I dont talk about it because I will cry. I am so tired of crying. But then I get mad because nobody is asking. And when they do ask, I dont tell them truth. What the hell is going on here. I am so mad that I could throw my computer aross the room. I am so fucking mad that this happen to me. I want to scream and cry and throw shit. I used to tell people " Everything happens for a reason" I cant accept this. This is not good enough for me. I am so mad at God! SO FREAKIN MAD! I am MAD at everyone for not understanding. I can not describe how mad I am. I am so mad that I dont have friends to cry to. I am so mad that I dont have a sister to cry to. I am so mad that I'm too embrassed to cry. I feel so alone. I am alone. I cant let my guard down.

Oh yeah

4/24/2008
I hate when people say " At least you can have another one" Well, I dont want another one. I wanted this one!!!! People just dont understand.

Past Couple of days

4/24/2008
So our 2 nd anniversary was on Monday. We went to Mitchell's Fish Market. This is Jeff's favorite place to go. Of course I started to get ready and I was going to wear the dress I wore to his Christmas Party. It was a little dressy but I was thinking to myself.. this is the only thing I can wear. So... I put it on and I cried and cried. Jeff tried to zip me up and it was tight. Jeff felt so bad for me since I literally didnt have anything to wear. Let me explain this: All of my clothes are tight fitting, so if I gain a lb. or two its a big difference. But now that I gained 8lbs, I literally cant wear anything. So I put on some work pants and a loose cute shirt and I actually felt kinda cute. We had an awesome dinner as always. We watched are favorite shows and then we celebrated our anniversary. Overall it was a great night except me breaking down. So its have been about 3 weeks and 1 day since my D & C. I can say that I'm handling things alot better. I still read others blogs about miscarriage and I am still on the Pregnancy Loss Board but its not as much. I am still bitter towards pregnant women. Yesterday I had to train on a fax machine at the KMC Hospitial at the Mother/Baby Unit. I was so nervous that I would see a newborn in the nursery. I had to walk right by it to get the the nurses station. Thankfully no babies born. Thankfully I didnt hear anyone in labor. Thankfully it wasnt all that bad. I had a moment or two thinking I should be pregnant but I just let it slide. I guess I am focused on what is to come or maybe I'm ignoring it a little. Last week, I got a email stating that I was 13 weeks along. I deleted the email. It was kinda sad to know that I would be 13 weeks. I try not to think about what week I would of been. What I am really worried about is that Jenny (SIL) is being induced on May 13th or 14th. And I am so scared to see the newborn and everyone's excitment. Everyone is going to be so excited and forget that I am standing in the same room being sad. Thinking of my baby that was suppose to be born. Thinking I will never know my child. I am being honest here. I am scared out of my mind. I think I'll lose it. Then Jeff's grandparents are coming into town in June for the baby. We normally see them everyday when they are here in Ohio. We only see them once a year. So when we go over, the newborn will be there everytime. I dont know if I could handle seeing the baby everyday. I'm so scared that everyone is going to be mad at me. I cant say this is how I will feel but right now, this is all I worry about. I've been saying that if I were to get pregnant again, I would be okay. But lately, I think being pregnant isnt going to help these feeling away. Just because I am pregnant doesnt mean I am going to have a baby. So many steps have to happen. I will never say "I am going to have a baby", it will alway be " I am pregnant". I wont be okay until I have a baby in my arms. I dont care if I am 20 weeks, I wont stop worrying. I am not gonna want to talk about it. I dont want to get excited and plan out everything. I dont want to do the nursery until I am almost due. I dont want to be disappointed. Our family conversations at the table were baby names, nicknames and our plans. I dont want to do any of that. We probably wont tell until I am 20 weeks.. or when I start showing alot. But if it was up to me, I wouldnt tell until I have a baby in my arms. You can lose a baby anytime throughout your pregnancy. I read it online all the time. 16 weeks, 21 weeks, 22 weeks, 33 weeks. I just dont want to be disappointed. I am already embrrassed and if I were to lose again, then everyone is just going to feel so sorry for me and I dont want any of it. I am a little bitter today. Sorry!!

They are everywhere...

4/21/2008
Are you kidding me? No matter where I go... pregnant women are everywhere. Come on! Newborns too. We went to Target yesterday. There was a newborn and the mom kept asking is this outfit cute? They just so happpen to be in the same isle as I was in the whole store. Come on... then I go to Factory Card outlet and... bamn.... pregnant women. No matter where I go.. they are everywhere. Jeff and I watched Juno this weekend. We decided it would be a good baby step. Of course I cried when we got the movie. When we watched it, I kept telling myself... its just a movie. WHATEVER. I had my moments of tears. It was a good baby step. When I do see pregnant women, I try to tell myself that maybe she had a miscarriage too and that could be me. Maybe they had problems getting pregnant in the first place or maybe she had IVF done. So... I try really hard not to be bitter or mad at any pregnant women.

Today was a GOOD day!

4/18/2008
I had my follow up appointment today. I was nervous because I didnt want to see any pregnant women. Lucky, I was one of the first appointments. My NP said hi and told me that her and her husband are praying for us and she was sorry for our lost. I thought that was sweet. She actually remembered me. Anyhow, we went into the ultrasound room. And I waited for the dr. I didnt know we were going to do another ultrasound. So .. I am sitting there reading a concieving magazine. And ... all of a sudden.. I heard ... a heart beating... really loud. They listen to it for about 30-45 seconds. I started getting all teary eyed and then knock at the door. Its my doctor. So.. she asks how are you? Are you still bleeding? And tells me that they checked out the sac and the placenta and everything looks normal. Then she does an ultrasound and my uterus is back to normal and I have no tissue left. THEN she said, you can try again after you first cycle. FIRST CYCLE PEOPLE!!!! I am SO excited. Just have to wait for AF (Aunt Flow) to get here. So if my cycle ends up the same... it will be in 31 days. I am actually on CD(cycle day) 15. I noticed though alot of girls are later than before. That would suck... basically having a period every month in a half. I know that sounds great but when your trying to make a baby...it sucks waiting. She also said she encourages me to loose the weight. I asked about my stomach and she said it should go down by my next AF. So... I feel so much better. I feel like I can talk about it. I feel like I can move on. Today was a good day!!!!

Random Thoughts

4/17/2008
Madison's B-day party is on Saturday and I've finally decided not to go. I remember that there's going to be another pregnant girl there, so that would be a total of 3. I keep saying.. I am going to go to myself. I am not going to let this affect me. But then its like, once I see them... will I cry? Jeff says I need to take baby steps. So we decided to have Madison over on Sunday night and we will celebrate with family only. Lately I been thinking about... sitting the family down and say.... Lets talk about it. Do you have any questions for me? But then again, am I ready for this? At work I havent been really motivated. All I do is sit here and look up sites about miscarriages, and read miscarriage blogs. Looking for hope even though I know people around me have had a successful 2nd pregnancy. I guess its not enough. When Jeff and I found out that I was having a miscarriage, I cried and cried. I felt so embrrassed that I couldnt keep a baby inside me. I think this is the reason why I cant face anyone. I am embrrassed. I feel worthless. I didnt want to tell anyone. I didnt want to tell my family and I didnt want to tell my friends/co-workers. I felt less of a women and still do. I am a failure. I feel like I let Jeff down. He doesnt deserve this. He deserves perfect. He deserves the best. I kept thinking to myself, what is everyone going to think of me? Are they going to think less of me? Are they going to judge me? Are they going to think its my fault? I know its not my fault but I cant help think, was it because I did some REALLY bad things in my life. I wonder was it the stress of the Hep B? My body has failed me. I am living in a stranger's body. I am a normal, healthy person and my body said no. God said no. Can you tell me what in the world does God have planned for me? Does he know our house isnt going to sell this year? Did he want me to not look back at this pregnancy and think about the scare we had with Hep B? Why? Why me? I need answers and I know I wont find them in this lifetime.

So MAD

4/14/2008
I have cried just about everyday this past week and weekend. You might have talked with me and I seem fine but I am not fine. I feel so alone even though I am not alone. I have support of friends and family but the majority of them just dont understand. I guess I am a little sensitive when it comes to others comments... at least thats what I've been told. I am just so mad. So mad that I have to deal with this situation. So mad at God because he knows that I am not that strong enough. So mad that I cant talk about it but yet I need to talk about it to move on. So mad that I am embarrassed to even cry in front of anyone but my husband. So mad that I think I am burdening someone with my story or my feelings when they ask. So mad that everyone thinks I am being so strong. So mad that I am not pregnant anymore. So mad that I still have a stomach. So mad that there are people in this world who dont want childern and yet I'm the one who has a miscarriage. So mad that my worse nightmare has happened to me. I am so mad that I am jealous of other pregnant women. So mad that I cant stand the sight of a newborn. So mad that I have thoughts about not trying to have a baby again. Yet I know in my heart... I want a family so badly. I am just so mad at me and everything thats around me. I am so mad that some of my friends havent called. I am so mad that I might have to miss Madison's B-day because there will be at least 3 pregnant women there. And I am so mad that I cant just listen to people's conversations about pregnancy and/or how excited they are or what their plans are. I am just so mad that I want to scream and cry my eyes out. I am so mad that there is nothing that anyone could say to make me feel better. I am so mad that when I am ready to talk about it.... that everyone has forgotten. I could go on .... but I think I have said enough.

How does it feel to have a miscarriage?

4/10/2008
I get the comments about .... well it was early or .. its not like you cant have another baby. It just pisses me off....... I been thinking about this for days. Trying to fiqure out a way for people to understand. So here it goes....People with childern without miscarriages:Think of your very first child..... Think of their smile, their face, their personality. Think of all the times you laughed with them, tickled them. Smelled them. Think of all the times you fed them, play with them, clothed them, and bathe them. Think of the times you held them and kissed them. Now... do you remember when you were pregnant with them? Do you remember when you were 10 weeks along. You were just getting over being sick and your stomach probably was starting to show more. Now... think about if they were gone. Like they never existed....... Knowing what you know now about your child... wouldn't you be sad if you had lost them early in the pregnancy???? Well.. for me.. I never knew my child. I will never know what they would of looked like, I will never get to play with them, feed them, comfort them, bathe them. I will never know, at least in this life time. I might of never felt the baby move but I had all the signs that said I had a life growing inside me. Do you see my side of it???? Do you understand now???? Ask me: How many childern I have... I will always include this baby. He/she will NEVER be forgotten. NEVER!

Friends

4/10/2008
I must say that I am very disappointed in some of my friends. Some have found out about my miscarriage from myspace or by others but they have yet to call to see how I am doing. These are some of my closest friends for years and not one phone call. I dont know if they think I might need my time, but if they know me like they should... these are the friends that I CAN talk to about this. I dont know what I should do. This is just one more thing that's on my mind.

Bad Day Yesterday (Wednesday)

4/10/2008

Yesterday, I had so many people ask "How are you feeling and How are you doing?". How do you think I am feeling people. I just have to say I have my bad days and good days.. which good days turn into .. somewhat bad days. It surprises me on how I will react to a comment and so forth. So... I decided that since we will try again and everyone says you will be sad no matter what stage you are at in grieving, that I decided to get a book about miscarriages. So I went to Borders and they had one book and then I went to Barnes and Noble and they as well only had one book. I only got the book at Borders but I was really looking for something about grieving. I want to make sure that I am emotionally ready for the next time. Usually when someone dies.. I cry and I will be sad for awhile ..but I must say.. I dont go through the steps of healing. I kinda ignore it. Anyways.. they guy at Barnes and Noble... said I am sorry like 100 times and he ordered a bunch of books for me. He was so nice. I almost wanted to cry and yell at him. But he kept saying sorry so I held it in. So then I talked to Jeff on my way home (like I do everyday) and he told me that Amanda is pregnant again. For those who dont know who she is, it's Jeff's cousin's wife. This would be their 3 rd child. No problems. They offered not to come to Madison's B-day party because of my miscarriage but of course I said .. please come. What am I suppose to say" NO" Come on..... When I saw Jenny on Sunday, I got all teary eyed because she's pregnant and due very soon. I thought I would be okay since she was pregnant before I was.. but of course it hurts. I think the only things I need to get over is pregnant women and seeing and holding babies. And I guess talking about pregnancy is hard as well. I cried my eyes out yesterday all the way home because of Amanda's pregnancy. It was just a bad day......

Sad

4/8/2008
I've always heard that when someone dies, a new life is born. I come to work and this guy who is one of our service techs shows me his newborn pictures. I was so excited from the beginning for him. But he told me that she had the baby on April 1st, 2008. On April 1st, I was miscarryying and April 2nd, I had my D & C. Such a happy and exciting time for them and such a sad couple of days for me.

I'll hold you in heaven

4/7/2008

I'll Hold You in Heaven
by Jo Ann Taylor
From the very beginning I loved you,As I made plans to hold you and rock you:You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,But something went wrong and soon you were gone;My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,I'd never known such heartache and pain.I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,Do you have my smile and his eyes?Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.I'll hold you in heaven someday,When my trials on earth pass away;The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,I know you're waiting for me;I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",But I'll hold you in heaven someday.

My healing starts......

4/7/2008
I found this post at the "thenestbabies.com" under Pregnancy Loss:I'd like to share an email my BFF sent me after hearing about my m/c. It was the most beautiful words I'd ever read and helped comfort me. Just to share a little background my mother passed away when I was 12 (there is reference to that in the following letter). Also my cousin suffered 2 m/c, who is referred to also in the letter. I hope you enjoy.God can make good out of any situation…its brought you closer to your husband, you now have a new sense of empathy to other’s who have gone through the same thing…Heather, although she too has gone through this pain, can now use her experience to help you through your own sadness and that is the beauty of the humanness that God has given us. No matter how small a child is, they can always teach us about ourselves and lessons in life that are so profound. You will all someday meet and love on your child when you’re in heaven and that is what is so amazing about the promise that the Lord had given to us!! When Jesus arose, he conquered death; it has no hold over us ANYMORE!!!! The baby’s life is just BEGINNING!!!!! Praise the Lord!!!! Can you imagine the joy and happiness your child is experiencing right now????? I know that your mom is loving on her grandbaby. What a blessing you have given her. I hope that these words give you some amount of comfort.... Don’t give up on your dream of having more children…you two have so much love to give and it is ok that you shared this with people…we are to share in each other’s joy and sorrow, so never feel bad about that part, ok?
I started to cry when I read this. This comforts me in so many ways. I am in the same situation except my grandma died in August and It just gave me such great comfort to know that our baby is with my grandma and Jeff's grandparents as well. I also have a close friend, Lilan, who has suffered from 3 miscarriages but yet she has 2 beautiful childern afterwards. She gives me great hope that everything will be okay. She has also helped me in so many ways to help me say good-bye. It was funny though.. weeks before all this, she just told me that she wanted to help others who suffer through miscarriages. Maybe her job isnt to get a job to help others but maybe its was to help me. I thank you Lilian from the bottom of my heart!

My Miscarriage

4/7/2008
I started spotting (bleeding) on Saturday. My doctor told me that it was probably nothing, but if it got worse, or if I starting cramping to give her a call. It got worse on Sunday night, so Monday morning Jeff and Iwent to the hospital and they didn't hear a heart beat. The baby's length only measured that of a 7 week old baby, and I was supposedly at 10 weeks. The doctor assured us that this is quite common, and was very sure that it was a chromosomal issue. For those that are interested, the sperm and egg have 23 complete sets of chromosomes. During fertilization, the egg and sperm split and combine, creating a new 23 complete sets. If each chromosome doesn't line up correctly with it's counterpart, the baby doesn't form properly, and is usually aborted in the form of a miscarriage. We were quite surprised to find that about 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, and something like 80% of those are from chromosomal issues. The doctors don't worry about a miscarriage until you have had 2 or 3 in a row, and we were told that we should be able to try again in about 3-4 months. My D & C was on April 2nd, 2008. I was really scared. Before my procedure, my doctor gave me some tablets to help me dilate my cervix. By time I got to the hospital and got settle in, I was in major pain. They say a miscarriage is like giving birth. The cramps are contractions. So since they saw me in so much pain, the anesthesiologist gave me some pain meds to take the edge off. A hour later.. I was in the OR. I held my dr's hand because I was so scared. She felt so bad for me since the week before I had tested a false positive for Hep B. As I woke up, my first words were " Can I have something to drink"? I was thirsty!! And hungry. About 20 minutes later, I was in the room with my mom and Jeff. I felt awesome afterwards. I didnt have any cramps but I still have bleeding and that could last up to another week. As for my healing...... this is the beginning.....