I realized

5/8/2008
So, I had wrote on Monday (blog) about my weekend but I decided not to. Basically I didnt have a good day on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Jeff and I have been fighting about how to handle my miscarriage, feelings and how to handle some situations. I also saw my SIL on Sunday and of course I cried and my father in law made a comment that upset me as well. I amnow realizing that I am changed forever. I will not be that same person before my miscarriage. I have accepted that. I kept thinking to myself that I will go on about my routine schedule and it will be forgotten. But I now know, that wont happen. In my earlier blogs, I mentioned about my sister in law having a baby soon. I said that I couldnt go and now, I think I am going to face my fear. I think I am going to see the baby. I also dont know if I am going to fore warn my sister in law that I might cry. Grandparents are coming in on June 12th(?) and I will be seeing the baby every day for a week. I want to move on. I want to stop crying so maybe if I take this step, its for the better. I have cried and cried over this situation. Hopefully I got it all out. But if not, I guess its also time to let my family in. I have yet to talk about my miscarriage with my family. Its not like I dont want to, I just dont know where to start. I think I've said this in a earlier blog as well, that I've been embrrassed. After we heard the news of our miscarriage, I kept thinking in the car that I am so embrrassed to even tell his family. I dont want them to judge me. I felt as though I was a failure and I still do at times. My body couldnt even carry their 1st grandchild, a Stevens that is. Are they going to look down on me? I dont know what' its like to have a family that's close. I dont know what its like to have a family to support you. So for me, I dont know how to let them in. If I could do this all over, I would change alot of things. Right now though, I feel as though its too late.