Bad Day Yesterday (Wednesday)

4/10/2008

Yesterday, I had so many people ask "How are you feeling and How are you doing?". How do you think I am feeling people. I just have to say I have my bad days and good days.. which good days turn into .. somewhat bad days. It surprises me on how I will react to a comment and so forth. So... I decided that since we will try again and everyone says you will be sad no matter what stage you are at in grieving, that I decided to get a book about miscarriages. So I went to Borders and they had one book and then I went to Barnes and Noble and they as well only had one book. I only got the book at Borders but I was really looking for something about grieving. I want to make sure that I am emotionally ready for the next time. Usually when someone dies.. I cry and I will be sad for awhile ..but I must say.. I dont go through the steps of healing. I kinda ignore it. Anyways.. they guy at Barnes and Noble... said I am sorry like 100 times and he ordered a bunch of books for me. He was so nice. I almost wanted to cry and yell at him. But he kept saying sorry so I held it in. So then I talked to Jeff on my way home (like I do everyday) and he told me that Amanda is pregnant again. For those who dont know who she is, it's Jeff's cousin's wife. This would be their 3 rd child. No problems. They offered not to come to Madison's B-day party because of my miscarriage but of course I said .. please come. What am I suppose to say" NO" Come on..... When I saw Jenny on Sunday, I got all teary eyed because she's pregnant and due very soon. I thought I would be okay since she was pregnant before I was.. but of course it hurts. I think the only things I need to get over is pregnant women and seeing and holding babies. And I guess talking about pregnancy is hard as well. I cried my eyes out yesterday all the way home because of Amanda's pregnancy. It was just a bad day......