Getting better with a few bumps in the road

5/13/2008
Tomorrow is the big day!! I have to face my fear and see Emma and maybe even hold her too. I talked with Jenny on Sunday and told her basically that I might be overwhelmed when I see or hold Emma. She understood. I just dont want to mess up her day and she said it would be okay so that made me feel more comfortable. I cried unexpectedly. Pray for me to be strong!!Jeff and I have talked about when to have another baby. I am not going to state what we decided because I dont want anyone to know we are trying and if I get pregnant, you probably wont know until I feel as though I am in the clear. In the back of my mind, I want to wait because of our 2 nd house. We need to sell our 2nd house. I want to be a stay home mom and to do that, our house needs to sell. I will not be happy if we have a baby and I would have to go back to work. I dont want someone else raising my child, PERIOD!!! And I dont get PAID maternity leave. But then again, we were due in October so we would be in the same situation. And then Jeff wants a Spring baby, April or May and I want a baby now. Other things I have considered is my weight. I gained 8 lbs during my pregnancy and 3 more lbs after my D & C. Apparently this happens to many women. I have been working my ass off literally and I maybe lost a lb in the past 5 weeks. Many women out there keep gainning weight and lucky me, I havent gained anymore but I think thats because I've been working out. I heard it can take up to 6 months or 6 weeks or your first cycle until you start loosing weight so.. what's the point in waiting. Another thing is ... if we we wait a couple of months and if I miscarry again, I will so FING pissed because I waited to just to lose some weight and just to see if our house sells. Whats really important here????So I got this book called "Empty Arms" on Friday. I read the book in one day!!!! I wish someone would of bought me a bunch of books when I miscarried. I wish I had this book from the beginning. I love this book. I love this book so much that I am going to read it again and again. It really helped me.The Bible offers HOPE and COMFORT: God was completely aware of the formation of your baby at every stage of life. "You saw me before I was born"You baby has not gone into "nothingness" your baby is with God. "I can never be lost to your Spirit! I can never get away from my God. God has a sovereign knowledge about each persons time for life and death. "You ....scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe" God knew all about the days of your baby in your womb. Your baby is a very real person to God.Just a few things that comfort me about my miscarriage. It talks about alot of things I have struggled with such as anger and being gulity (paying for my sins). Its helped me look at everything differently. I'll post more later.