Past Couple of days

4/24/2008
So our 2 nd anniversary was on Monday. We went to Mitchell's Fish Market. This is Jeff's favorite place to go. Of course I started to get ready and I was going to wear the dress I wore to his Christmas Party. It was a little dressy but I was thinking to myself.. this is the only thing I can wear. So... I put it on and I cried and cried. Jeff tried to zip me up and it was tight. Jeff felt so bad for me since I literally didnt have anything to wear. Let me explain this: All of my clothes are tight fitting, so if I gain a lb. or two its a big difference. But now that I gained 8lbs, I literally cant wear anything. So I put on some work pants and a loose cute shirt and I actually felt kinda cute. We had an awesome dinner as always. We watched are favorite shows and then we celebrated our anniversary. Overall it was a great night except me breaking down. So its have been about 3 weeks and 1 day since my D & C. I can say that I'm handling things alot better. I still read others blogs about miscarriage and I am still on the Pregnancy Loss Board but its not as much. I am still bitter towards pregnant women. Yesterday I had to train on a fax machine at the KMC Hospitial at the Mother/Baby Unit. I was so nervous that I would see a newborn in the nursery. I had to walk right by it to get the the nurses station. Thankfully no babies born. Thankfully I didnt hear anyone in labor. Thankfully it wasnt all that bad. I had a moment or two thinking I should be pregnant but I just let it slide. I guess I am focused on what is to come or maybe I'm ignoring it a little. Last week, I got a email stating that I was 13 weeks along. I deleted the email. It was kinda sad to know that I would be 13 weeks. I try not to think about what week I would of been. What I am really worried about is that Jenny (SIL) is being induced on May 13th or 14th. And I am so scared to see the newborn and everyone's excitment. Everyone is going to be so excited and forget that I am standing in the same room being sad. Thinking of my baby that was suppose to be born. Thinking I will never know my child. I am being honest here. I am scared out of my mind. I think I'll lose it. Then Jeff's grandparents are coming into town in June for the baby. We normally see them everyday when they are here in Ohio. We only see them once a year. So when we go over, the newborn will be there everytime. I dont know if I could handle seeing the baby everyday. I'm so scared that everyone is going to be mad at me. I cant say this is how I will feel but right now, this is all I worry about. I've been saying that if I were to get pregnant again, I would be okay. But lately, I think being pregnant isnt going to help these feeling away. Just because I am pregnant doesnt mean I am going to have a baby. So many steps have to happen. I will never say "I am going to have a baby", it will alway be " I am pregnant". I wont be okay until I have a baby in my arms. I dont care if I am 20 weeks, I wont stop worrying. I am not gonna want to talk about it. I dont want to get excited and plan out everything. I dont want to do the nursery until I am almost due. I dont want to be disappointed. Our family conversations at the table were baby names, nicknames and our plans. I dont want to do any of that. We probably wont tell until I am 20 weeks.. or when I start showing alot. But if it was up to me, I wouldnt tell until I have a baby in my arms. You can lose a baby anytime throughout your pregnancy. I read it online all the time. 16 weeks, 21 weeks, 22 weeks, 33 weeks. I just dont want to be disappointed. I am already embrrassed and if I were to lose again, then everyone is just going to feel so sorry for me and I dont want any of it. I am a little bitter today. Sorry!!