Random Thoughts

4/17/2008
Madison's B-day party is on Saturday and I've finally decided not to go. I remember that there's going to be another pregnant girl there, so that would be a total of 3. I keep saying.. I am going to go to myself. I am not going to let this affect me. But then its like, once I see them... will I cry? Jeff says I need to take baby steps. So we decided to have Madison over on Sunday night and we will celebrate with family only. Lately I been thinking about... sitting the family down and say.... Lets talk about it. Do you have any questions for me? But then again, am I ready for this? At work I havent been really motivated. All I do is sit here and look up sites about miscarriages, and read miscarriage blogs. Looking for hope even though I know people around me have had a successful 2nd pregnancy. I guess its not enough. When Jeff and I found out that I was having a miscarriage, I cried and cried. I felt so embrrassed that I couldnt keep a baby inside me. I think this is the reason why I cant face anyone. I am embrrassed. I feel worthless. I didnt want to tell anyone. I didnt want to tell my family and I didnt want to tell my friends/co-workers. I felt less of a women and still do. I am a failure. I feel like I let Jeff down. He doesnt deserve this. He deserves perfect. He deserves the best. I kept thinking to myself, what is everyone going to think of me? Are they going to think less of me? Are they going to judge me? Are they going to think its my fault? I know its not my fault but I cant help think, was it because I did some REALLY bad things in my life. I wonder was it the stress of the Hep B? My body has failed me. I am living in a stranger's body. I am a normal, healthy person and my body said no. God said no. Can you tell me what in the world does God have planned for me? Does he know our house isnt going to sell this year? Did he want me to not look back at this pregnancy and think about the scare we had with Hep B? Why? Why me? I need answers and I know I wont find them in this lifetime.