Tomorrow

Tomorrow will be a sad day for me! I was due October 24th! It came so fast. I am so happy that Jeff and I are kinda going out of town for the weekend. Its just one night. The sad part is that Jeff probably wont remember what day it is. I know he is focused on our new due date but how can you forget. I know with my miscarriage it was hard to for him to understand. I will light a candle for my angel and say a little prayer on Friday. Now that I am pregnant with our second, I get the question all the time: Is this your first one?? I always pause to think about what I am going to say, every time. Sometimes I say: no... well... this is our first thats made it so far. It always shocks them. They dont know what to say. Then I feel bad that I said something to make them uncomfortable. Then medically I am always answering 2nd pregnancy. Sometimes I say yes quickly and then realizing I forgot about my angel. I question myself do I want to take a step back or forward. I feel bad when I think of my 1st (what would of been) with Isabella on the way and then I feel bad when I am focused on Isabella and dont think of my 1st. Confusing huh?

I thought I would get the 2 pregnancies confused but I never did. I never have thought about my 1st was in my belly when I have been pregnant with Isabella. The two pregnancies are so different.
My miscarriage still effects me everyday. Everyday, I pray for her to move, to make sure she is still here with us. I am so scared she wont be healthy. I am so scared that something will happen to her and/or me when I give birth. I am still scared that I will miscarry even though I am 25 weeks pregnant. It also has effected on how I reacted to things such as when I found out, it was a phone call to Jeff. Not a gift with a card to Jeff. I really havent bought anything for her except the crib furniture and 4 outfits. In the back of my mind, is she really going to be here?? I didnt do a pregnancy journal. I am afraid of my baby shower. Everyone is expecting a baby to come and I dont know if I can deliver. I cant promise that there will be a baby in Feb. Only god knows. I do have my positive days but its hard not to step back and think, will she be here???