Its been awhile

So much to say.. so little time!! Sorry I havent blogged much! We've been busy with getting Bella's room done along with everything else. Jeff and I have my Lamaze (sp?) Class tomorrow. We decided to do it in one-day because its a 30-45 min drive to the hospital. Plus classes were from 6:30pm-8:30. Traffic would be horrible at that time. So thats why we are taking this class in one day. We also have another class: Save a Baby in January. I only have 12 weeks left which is scary to me. I am so NOT ready to give birth. I am not scared about being a parent or the labor part. I am just scared that something will happen to me. I almost have panic attacks over this. I am also afraid of having panic attacks while in labor. I hate when I am not in control. My body has knots all over and even the massage I got a couple of weeks ago didnt relax me. My only complains I have being pregnant is that she pushes on nerve in my stomach so a part of my stomach goes numb. Its like when you lay on your hand for too long. I also get these back cramps everyday. I have knots in my back and it hurts so bad sometimes that I really want to cry. Otherwise, I would be just fine. Along with me being scared of labor, I keep wondering if she is healthy. I also wonder if she will really be here. I cant picture her here with us. I know a part of this is because of my miscarriage. Like I said in the previous post.. it still effects me. The only thing I bought her was the 4 little outfits the day I found out she was a girl. Oh and her furniture. My baby shower is on the 23rd of November. I want to say make sure I have receipts. I'm excited but dread doing her room. In my mind, I could still lose her. It sucks!!! I hate thinking these things. I wish I could be positive. When we talk about plans for the future, I always say in my mind, lets just wait and see. Wait and see if she is here. It sad!!
Along with all this crap on my mind, I have drama in my family. Basically to make it short and sweet, my mother in law doesnt have the time to help plan my baby shower. And when she does, its waiting til the last minute. She doesnt want to help us out for one night with the dogs while I am in labor with her grandchild because she needs to snuggle with Jeff's dad. Its sad! Its makes me wonder..... can I (we) count on her for anything?? This is really important to me and I sit here and feel like we arent important. She has ruined it for me. This is not what I had envision. Now, I dont want her there at the hospital. Ha.. I dont even know if she would of came. Now, I dont want to her to help with the baby shower. Come as a guest! I am just sad because this is our first baby to make it and its my baby shower. When I look back, it wont be a happy time for me. I guess nothing in life is perfect.