Sorry I havent blogged much. I've been really tired and its been a bad month at work. I been trying to get some last minute deals in. But its not working. I hope I have an awesome month in June!!! PRAYERS PLEASE!!
As for my miscarriage, I am actually doing really well. Looking back on my blogs... I have improved alot!! I would never want to go through that again but of course only God knows if thats going to happen. I haven cried since I saw Emma for the first time. So thats 2 weeks!! Holy COW!!
I am though still upset that I havent finish my memory box for my little one. I need to finish that because I need to have closure and put it at rest. I am not saying I am over this because I am not. I think about my baby at least every other day. I think about what would of been.
I have been having life changing moments lately. WEIRD!! Such as I know someone could say I live everyday to the fullest. But they dont. I try really hard every day to live to the fullest. I try to put all my effort into whatever I am doing that day. I really cant explain it but when I look around, its different. I think to myself: If I died tomorrow, could I say that I made it my best day ever? Sometimes I think the majority of people get all wrapped up in their daily life. They forget why they are here. I know some people dont understand why, such as me but they have to try to believe that they are making a difference in this world. Now, I am trying to be a mom. I believe this is my only purpose besides making people feel beautiful. I do regret alot of my things in life. If I could change things I would finish college and go to dancing school. I love dancing. I wish my mom would of guided me in the right direction but she did the best she could. But then again, would I have met Jeff? The love of my life? He too wishes he went to pilot school. We are not talking normal flying, we are talking about F-18. But then again... would he have met me? Just somethings I have been thinking about.
I been wanting to go to church since we bought our new house but Jeff doesnt want to do because he's says that there is too much to do at the house. Yet.... we just watch tv and have coffee. We used to go all the time... for almost 2 years or so but after we got married, it stopped. I wonder why? I think I am going to start going by myself. Oh well if I look stupid. I have been mad at God because of my miscarriage and I have alot of making up to do. I have like 3 churches I would like to try out.
I was wondering... who is reading this? I only know of two people. Yet sometimes I have more than two vistors a day. Who are you? Can you at least say hi?
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Age
5/23/2008
Check out this website:
www.peterrussell.com/Odds/VirtualAge.php
I am 28
Virtual Age: 15.9
Average Life Expectancy: 74
Your life Expectancy 86.1
Check out this website:
www.peterrussell.com/Odds/VirtualAge.php
I am 28
Virtual Age: 15.9
Average Life Expectancy: 74
Your life Expectancy 86.1
I held Emma
5/22/2008
Well I did it. I faced my fear once again. The thought of holding her made me get all teary eyed. I went into the other room so no one would see me if I cried. First thought came to my head " I wish I was holding my baby" I actually thought for a moment or two that I was betraying my baby. But I had to say to myself, STOP IT. I was really good and I am really proud of myself. I am getting better in time. I cant help staring at pregnant women. I dont cry over it anymore. I get sad for a moment but I continue on about my day. Improvement people!!! I still get mad at times because of my body. Its a reminder everyday. I am working on it but my body just seems to not want to lose the weight. I am doing 45-50 mins of cardio 4-5 days a week and weight trainning. I started running last week. Jeff and I got some running shoes last weekend. I think we are going to go running on the weekends together.
Well I did it. I faced my fear once again. The thought of holding her made me get all teary eyed. I went into the other room so no one would see me if I cried. First thought came to my head " I wish I was holding my baby" I actually thought for a moment or two that I was betraying my baby. But I had to say to myself, STOP IT. I was really good and I am really proud of myself. I am getting better in time. I cant help staring at pregnant women. I dont cry over it anymore. I get sad for a moment but I continue on about my day. Improvement people!!! I still get mad at times because of my body. Its a reminder everyday. I am working on it but my body just seems to not want to lose the weight. I am doing 45-50 mins of cardio 4-5 days a week and weight trainning. I started running last week. Jeff and I got some running shoes last weekend. I think we are going to go running on the weekends together.
How was I??
5/15/2008
Pretty good!!! I cried before we went into the room. I cried when I saw Emma and I cried one more time because of the whole birth experience. It hit me like a rock that I wasnt going to have this experience with our baby. When I kept thinking about it, I wanted to cry. I had to keep saying to myself, you will have this one day. You will have this one day.But I do have this: There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their childern, I know I will be better.I will not be better because of genetics, or money or that I read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for my child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take the time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life. I will be happy to wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold or feed them. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision in which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I will be a better mother.....
Pretty good!!! I cried before we went into the room. I cried when I saw Emma and I cried one more time because of the whole birth experience. It hit me like a rock that I wasnt going to have this experience with our baby. When I kept thinking about it, I wanted to cry. I had to keep saying to myself, you will have this one day. You will have this one day.But I do have this: There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their childern, I know I will be better.I will not be better because of genetics, or money or that I read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for my child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take the time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle everyday for the rest of my life. I will be happy to wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold or feed them. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision in which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I will be a better mother.....
Getting better with a few bumps in the road
5/13/2008
Tomorrow is the big day!! I have to face my fear and see Emma and maybe even hold her too. I talked with Jenny on Sunday and told her basically that I might be overwhelmed when I see or hold Emma. She understood. I just dont want to mess up her day and she said it would be okay so that made me feel more comfortable. I cried unexpectedly. Pray for me to be strong!!Jeff and I have talked about when to have another baby. I am not going to state what we decided because I dont want anyone to know we are trying and if I get pregnant, you probably wont know until I feel as though I am in the clear. In the back of my mind, I want to wait because of our 2 nd house. We need to sell our 2nd house. I want to be a stay home mom and to do that, our house needs to sell. I will not be happy if we have a baby and I would have to go back to work. I dont want someone else raising my child, PERIOD!!! And I dont get PAID maternity leave. But then again, we were due in October so we would be in the same situation. And then Jeff wants a Spring baby, April or May and I want a baby now. Other things I have considered is my weight. I gained 8 lbs during my pregnancy and 3 more lbs after my D & C. Apparently this happens to many women. I have been working my ass off literally and I maybe lost a lb in the past 5 weeks. Many women out there keep gainning weight and lucky me, I havent gained anymore but I think thats because I've been working out. I heard it can take up to 6 months or 6 weeks or your first cycle until you start loosing weight so.. what's the point in waiting. Another thing is ... if we we wait a couple of months and if I miscarry again, I will so FING pissed because I waited to just to lose some weight and just to see if our house sells. Whats really important here????So I got this book called "Empty Arms" on Friday. I read the book in one day!!!! I wish someone would of bought me a bunch of books when I miscarried. I wish I had this book from the beginning. I love this book. I love this book so much that I am going to read it again and again. It really helped me.The Bible offers HOPE and COMFORT: God was completely aware of the formation of your baby at every stage of life. "You saw me before I was born"You baby has not gone into "nothingness" your baby is with God. "I can never be lost to your Spirit! I can never get away from my God. God has a sovereign knowledge about each persons time for life and death. "You ....scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe" God knew all about the days of your baby in your womb. Your baby is a very real person to God.Just a few things that comfort me about my miscarriage. It talks about alot of things I have struggled with such as anger and being gulity (paying for my sins). Its helped me look at everything differently. I'll post more later.
Tomorrow is the big day!! I have to face my fear and see Emma and maybe even hold her too. I talked with Jenny on Sunday and told her basically that I might be overwhelmed when I see or hold Emma. She understood. I just dont want to mess up her day and she said it would be okay so that made me feel more comfortable. I cried unexpectedly. Pray for me to be strong!!Jeff and I have talked about when to have another baby. I am not going to state what we decided because I dont want anyone to know we are trying and if I get pregnant, you probably wont know until I feel as though I am in the clear. In the back of my mind, I want to wait because of our 2 nd house. We need to sell our 2nd house. I want to be a stay home mom and to do that, our house needs to sell. I will not be happy if we have a baby and I would have to go back to work. I dont want someone else raising my child, PERIOD!!! And I dont get PAID maternity leave. But then again, we were due in October so we would be in the same situation. And then Jeff wants a Spring baby, April or May and I want a baby now. Other things I have considered is my weight. I gained 8 lbs during my pregnancy and 3 more lbs after my D & C. Apparently this happens to many women. I have been working my ass off literally and I maybe lost a lb in the past 5 weeks. Many women out there keep gainning weight and lucky me, I havent gained anymore but I think thats because I've been working out. I heard it can take up to 6 months or 6 weeks or your first cycle until you start loosing weight so.. what's the point in waiting. Another thing is ... if we we wait a couple of months and if I miscarry again, I will so FING pissed because I waited to just to lose some weight and just to see if our house sells. Whats really important here????So I got this book called "Empty Arms" on Friday. I read the book in one day!!!! I wish someone would of bought me a bunch of books when I miscarried. I wish I had this book from the beginning. I love this book. I love this book so much that I am going to read it again and again. It really helped me.The Bible offers HOPE and COMFORT: God was completely aware of the formation of your baby at every stage of life. "You saw me before I was born"You baby has not gone into "nothingness" your baby is with God. "I can never be lost to your Spirit! I can never get away from my God. God has a sovereign knowledge about each persons time for life and death. "You ....scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe" God knew all about the days of your baby in your womb. Your baby is a very real person to God.Just a few things that comfort me about my miscarriage. It talks about alot of things I have struggled with such as anger and being gulity (paying for my sins). Its helped me look at everything differently. I'll post more later.
Awesome Husband
5/9/2008
So last night, I walk through the door and Jeff got me one of my favorite flowers, Lilies. Along with a homemade card. First thought was ... whats this for? Looked at the card and it said Happy Mothers Day. I read the card and I almost cried. He then took me out to eat for Mother's Day. We went to Carabbas and had a nice dinner. We went home and watched our normal Thursday night shows. What an awesome husband! I am so lucky to have him.
So last night, I walk through the door and Jeff got me one of my favorite flowers, Lilies. Along with a homemade card. First thought was ... whats this for? Looked at the card and it said Happy Mothers Day. I read the card and I almost cried. He then took me out to eat for Mother's Day. We went to Carabbas and had a nice dinner. We went home and watched our normal Thursday night shows. What an awesome husband! I am so lucky to have him.
I realized
5/8/2008
So, I had wrote on Monday (blog) about my weekend but I decided not to. Basically I didnt have a good day on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Jeff and I have been fighting about how to handle my miscarriage, feelings and how to handle some situations. I also saw my SIL on Sunday and of course I cried and my father in law made a comment that upset me as well. I amnow realizing that I am changed forever. I will not be that same person before my miscarriage. I have accepted that. I kept thinking to myself that I will go on about my routine schedule and it will be forgotten. But I now know, that wont happen. In my earlier blogs, I mentioned about my sister in law having a baby soon. I said that I couldnt go and now, I think I am going to face my fear. I think I am going to see the baby. I also dont know if I am going to fore warn my sister in law that I might cry. Grandparents are coming in on June 12th(?) and I will be seeing the baby every day for a week. I want to move on. I want to stop crying so maybe if I take this step, its for the better. I have cried and cried over this situation. Hopefully I got it all out. But if not, I guess its also time to let my family in. I have yet to talk about my miscarriage with my family. Its not like I dont want to, I just dont know where to start. I think I've said this in a earlier blog as well, that I've been embrrassed. After we heard the news of our miscarriage, I kept thinking in the car that I am so embrrassed to even tell his family. I dont want them to judge me. I felt as though I was a failure and I still do at times. My body couldnt even carry their 1st grandchild, a Stevens that is. Are they going to look down on me? I dont know what' its like to have a family that's close. I dont know what its like to have a family to support you. So for me, I dont know how to let them in. If I could do this all over, I would change alot of things. Right now though, I feel as though its too late.
So, I had wrote on Monday (blog) about my weekend but I decided not to. Basically I didnt have a good day on Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Jeff and I have been fighting about how to handle my miscarriage, feelings and how to handle some situations. I also saw my SIL on Sunday and of course I cried and my father in law made a comment that upset me as well. I amnow realizing that I am changed forever. I will not be that same person before my miscarriage. I have accepted that. I kept thinking to myself that I will go on about my routine schedule and it will be forgotten. But I now know, that wont happen. In my earlier blogs, I mentioned about my sister in law having a baby soon. I said that I couldnt go and now, I think I am going to face my fear. I think I am going to see the baby. I also dont know if I am going to fore warn my sister in law that I might cry. Grandparents are coming in on June 12th(?) and I will be seeing the baby every day for a week. I want to move on. I want to stop crying so maybe if I take this step, its for the better. I have cried and cried over this situation. Hopefully I got it all out. But if not, I guess its also time to let my family in. I have yet to talk about my miscarriage with my family. Its not like I dont want to, I just dont know where to start. I think I've said this in a earlier blog as well, that I've been embrrassed. After we heard the news of our miscarriage, I kept thinking in the car that I am so embrrassed to even tell his family. I dont want them to judge me. I felt as though I was a failure and I still do at times. My body couldnt even carry their 1st grandchild, a Stevens that is. Are they going to look down on me? I dont know what' its like to have a family that's close. I dont know what its like to have a family to support you. So for me, I dont know how to let them in. If I could do this all over, I would change alot of things. Right now though, I feel as though its too late.
What the hell was I thinking??
5/1/2008
Just when I think its safe because I havent really cried this week, I look up my friend's blog. She is from high school. She just had a baby this past Sunday. What the hell was I thinking? Baby steps Priscilla, Baby steps!
Just when I think its safe because I havent really cried this week, I look up my friend's blog. She is from high school. She just had a baby this past Sunday. What the hell was I thinking? Baby steps Priscilla, Baby steps!
Guess who's here
4/29/2008
She came!! She came!! AF (Aunt Flow) is here! I was jumping with excitment last night!! So I am going to start checking my temps every morning and check my CF everyday. Hopefully my body isnt that wacked. It did take 30 days from the first day of my miscarriage. I know my body is telling me I am ready but I am not sure if I am emotionally ready. I decided to get help. I am going to start going to a support group every month. At least I am going to give it a try. I was going to talk to someone but Jeff doesnt want me to. He wants me to talk with him. So I told him somethings that he needed to do to help me. I've decided not to get on the pregnancy loss board anymore. All it was doing was making me think the negative stuff. There are 2nd and 3 rd losses every week. There are women who lost at 16 weeks, 32 weeks and so forth. And now I am scared out of my mind. So I am no longer allowed on that site. I have to think positive. POSITIVE!!! I was just going backwards I think and not forward. By the way I found this site: http://www.christendom-awake.org/pages/may/hopeforhealing.htmThis site is for Hope for Healing: Miscarriage and the Dignity of the Human BodyHere are some of my favorite quotes by the Pope: (IN NO ORDER)Motherhood is the fruit of the marriage union of a man and woman, of that biblical “knowledge” which corresponds to the “union of the two in one flesh” (cf. Gen 2:24). This brings about - on the woman’s part - a special “gift of self”, as an expression of that spousal love whereby the two are united to each other so closely that they become “one flesh”…. This mutual gift of the person in marriage opens to the gift of a new life, a new human being, who is also a person in the likeness of his parents. Motherhood implies from the beginning a special openness to the new person: and this is precisely the woman’s “part”. In this openness, in conceiving and giving birth to a child, the woman “discovers herself through a sincere gift of self”. The gift of interior readiness to accept the child and bring it into the world is linked to the marriage union, which - as mentioned earlier - should constitute a special moment in the mutual self-giving both by the woman and the man. According to the Bible, the conception and birth of a new human being are accompanied by the following words of the woman: “I have brought a man into being with the help of the Lord” (Gen 4:1)Motherhood involves a special communion with the mystery of life, as it develops in the woman’s womb. The mother is filled with wonder at this mystery of life, and “understands” with unique intuition what is happening inside her. In the light of the “beginning”, the mother accepts and loves as a person the child she is carrying in her womb (John Paul II, 1988, p. 66). Parenthood - even though it belongs to both - is realized much more fully in the woman, especially in the prenatal period. It is the woman who “pays” directly for this shared generation, which literally absorbs the energies of her body and soul. It is therefore necessary that the man be fully aware that in their shared parenthood he owes a special debt to the woman. These include loss of being pregnant and of the sense of oneness with the fetus, loss of anticipated motherhood, loss of special attention and care frequently accorded a pregnant woman, and loss of prenatal medical care. In addition, there is a crucial loss of self-esteem resulting from the woman’s inability to rely on her body and successfully give birth (Kay et al., 1997), p. 11).
She came!! She came!! AF (Aunt Flow) is here! I was jumping with excitment last night!! So I am going to start checking my temps every morning and check my CF everyday. Hopefully my body isnt that wacked. It did take 30 days from the first day of my miscarriage. I know my body is telling me I am ready but I am not sure if I am emotionally ready. I decided to get help. I am going to start going to a support group every month. At least I am going to give it a try. I was going to talk to someone but Jeff doesnt want me to. He wants me to talk with him. So I told him somethings that he needed to do to help me. I've decided not to get on the pregnancy loss board anymore. All it was doing was making me think the negative stuff. There are 2nd and 3 rd losses every week. There are women who lost at 16 weeks, 32 weeks and so forth. And now I am scared out of my mind. So I am no longer allowed on that site. I have to think positive. POSITIVE!!! I was just going backwards I think and not forward. By the way I found this site: http://www.christendom-awake.org/pages/may/hopeforhealing.htmThis site is for Hope for Healing: Miscarriage and the Dignity of the Human BodyHere are some of my favorite quotes by the Pope: (IN NO ORDER)Motherhood is the fruit of the marriage union of a man and woman, of that biblical “knowledge” which corresponds to the “union of the two in one flesh” (cf. Gen 2:24). This brings about - on the woman’s part - a special “gift of self”, as an expression of that spousal love whereby the two are united to each other so closely that they become “one flesh”…. This mutual gift of the person in marriage opens to the gift of a new life, a new human being, who is also a person in the likeness of his parents. Motherhood implies from the beginning a special openness to the new person: and this is precisely the woman’s “part”. In this openness, in conceiving and giving birth to a child, the woman “discovers herself through a sincere gift of self”. The gift of interior readiness to accept the child and bring it into the world is linked to the marriage union, which - as mentioned earlier - should constitute a special moment in the mutual self-giving both by the woman and the man. According to the Bible, the conception and birth of a new human being are accompanied by the following words of the woman: “I have brought a man into being with the help of the Lord” (Gen 4:1)Motherhood involves a special communion with the mystery of life, as it develops in the woman’s womb. The mother is filled with wonder at this mystery of life, and “understands” with unique intuition what is happening inside her. In the light of the “beginning”, the mother accepts and loves as a person the child she is carrying in her womb (John Paul II, 1988, p. 66). Parenthood - even though it belongs to both - is realized much more fully in the woman, especially in the prenatal period. It is the woman who “pays” directly for this shared generation, which literally absorbs the energies of her body and soul. It is therefore necessary that the man be fully aware that in their shared parenthood he owes a special debt to the woman. These include loss of being pregnant and of the sense of oneness with the fetus, loss of anticipated motherhood, loss of special attention and care frequently accorded a pregnant woman, and loss of prenatal medical care. In addition, there is a crucial loss of self-esteem resulting from the woman’s inability to rely on her body and successfully give birth (Kay et al., 1997), p. 11).
I am tired
4/25/2008
am screaming inside my body and nobody knows. I cried on the way home yesterday. And today, I was feeling great until a girl that used to work here came in pregnant. I didnt see her because just thinking about it made my eyes water. Then someone comes up to me and tells me she is here and says.. her belly is this big. I am so sorry but why would you tell that to someone who just had a miscarriage. I started to cry so I left work for a little bit. I didnt want to hear everyone talking about her. I dont think I can take this any longer. I SO want to leave. I want to runaway and go on vacation. I know leaving wont make it go away but it will sure help me get away from where it all happened. I just want to be alone. I dont even know if I want Jeff there. I just want to crawl in a hole. I dont talk about it because I will cry. I am so tired of crying. But then I get mad because nobody is asking. And when they do ask, I dont tell them truth. What the hell is going on here. I am so mad that I could throw my computer aross the room. I am so fucking mad that this happen to me. I want to scream and cry and throw shit. I used to tell people " Everything happens for a reason" I cant accept this. This is not good enough for me. I am so mad at God! SO FREAKIN MAD! I am MAD at everyone for not understanding. I can not describe how mad I am. I am so mad that I dont have friends to cry to. I am so mad that I dont have a sister to cry to. I am so mad that I'm too embrassed to cry. I feel so alone. I am alone. I cant let my guard down.
am screaming inside my body and nobody knows. I cried on the way home yesterday. And today, I was feeling great until a girl that used to work here came in pregnant. I didnt see her because just thinking about it made my eyes water. Then someone comes up to me and tells me she is here and says.. her belly is this big. I am so sorry but why would you tell that to someone who just had a miscarriage. I started to cry so I left work for a little bit. I didnt want to hear everyone talking about her. I dont think I can take this any longer. I SO want to leave. I want to runaway and go on vacation. I know leaving wont make it go away but it will sure help me get away from where it all happened. I just want to be alone. I dont even know if I want Jeff there. I just want to crawl in a hole. I dont talk about it because I will cry. I am so tired of crying. But then I get mad because nobody is asking. And when they do ask, I dont tell them truth. What the hell is going on here. I am so mad that I could throw my computer aross the room. I am so fucking mad that this happen to me. I want to scream and cry and throw shit. I used to tell people " Everything happens for a reason" I cant accept this. This is not good enough for me. I am so mad at God! SO FREAKIN MAD! I am MAD at everyone for not understanding. I can not describe how mad I am. I am so mad that I dont have friends to cry to. I am so mad that I dont have a sister to cry to. I am so mad that I'm too embrassed to cry. I feel so alone. I am alone. I cant let my guard down.
Oh yeah
4/24/2008
I hate when people say " At least you can have another one" Well, I dont want another one. I wanted this one!!!! People just dont understand.
I hate when people say " At least you can have another one" Well, I dont want another one. I wanted this one!!!! People just dont understand.
Past Couple of days
4/24/2008
So our 2 nd anniversary was on Monday. We went to Mitchell's Fish Market. This is Jeff's favorite place to go. Of course I started to get ready and I was going to wear the dress I wore to his Christmas Party. It was a little dressy but I was thinking to myself.. this is the only thing I can wear. So... I put it on and I cried and cried. Jeff tried to zip me up and it was tight. Jeff felt so bad for me since I literally didnt have anything to wear. Let me explain this: All of my clothes are tight fitting, so if I gain a lb. or two its a big difference. But now that I gained 8lbs, I literally cant wear anything. So I put on some work pants and a loose cute shirt and I actually felt kinda cute. We had an awesome dinner as always. We watched are favorite shows and then we celebrated our anniversary. Overall it was a great night except me breaking down. So its have been about 3 weeks and 1 day since my D & C. I can say that I'm handling things alot better. I still read others blogs about miscarriage and I am still on the Pregnancy Loss Board but its not as much. I am still bitter towards pregnant women. Yesterday I had to train on a fax machine at the KMC Hospitial at the Mother/Baby Unit. I was so nervous that I would see a newborn in the nursery. I had to walk right by it to get the the nurses station. Thankfully no babies born. Thankfully I didnt hear anyone in labor. Thankfully it wasnt all that bad. I had a moment or two thinking I should be pregnant but I just let it slide. I guess I am focused on what is to come or maybe I'm ignoring it a little. Last week, I got a email stating that I was 13 weeks along. I deleted the email. It was kinda sad to know that I would be 13 weeks. I try not to think about what week I would of been. What I am really worried about is that Jenny (SIL) is being induced on May 13th or 14th. And I am so scared to see the newborn and everyone's excitment. Everyone is going to be so excited and forget that I am standing in the same room being sad. Thinking of my baby that was suppose to be born. Thinking I will never know my child. I am being honest here. I am scared out of my mind. I think I'll lose it. Then Jeff's grandparents are coming into town in June for the baby. We normally see them everyday when they are here in Ohio. We only see them once a year. So when we go over, the newborn will be there everytime. I dont know if I could handle seeing the baby everyday. I'm so scared that everyone is going to be mad at me. I cant say this is how I will feel but right now, this is all I worry about. I've been saying that if I were to get pregnant again, I would be okay. But lately, I think being pregnant isnt going to help these feeling away. Just because I am pregnant doesnt mean I am going to have a baby. So many steps have to happen. I will never say "I am going to have a baby", it will alway be " I am pregnant". I wont be okay until I have a baby in my arms. I dont care if I am 20 weeks, I wont stop worrying. I am not gonna want to talk about it. I dont want to get excited and plan out everything. I dont want to do the nursery until I am almost due. I dont want to be disappointed. Our family conversations at the table were baby names, nicknames and our plans. I dont want to do any of that. We probably wont tell until I am 20 weeks.. or when I start showing alot. But if it was up to me, I wouldnt tell until I have a baby in my arms. You can lose a baby anytime throughout your pregnancy. I read it online all the time. 16 weeks, 21 weeks, 22 weeks, 33 weeks. I just dont want to be disappointed. I am already embrrassed and if I were to lose again, then everyone is just going to feel so sorry for me and I dont want any of it. I am a little bitter today. Sorry!!
So our 2 nd anniversary was on Monday. We went to Mitchell's Fish Market. This is Jeff's favorite place to go. Of course I started to get ready and I was going to wear the dress I wore to his Christmas Party. It was a little dressy but I was thinking to myself.. this is the only thing I can wear. So... I put it on and I cried and cried. Jeff tried to zip me up and it was tight. Jeff felt so bad for me since I literally didnt have anything to wear. Let me explain this: All of my clothes are tight fitting, so if I gain a lb. or two its a big difference. But now that I gained 8lbs, I literally cant wear anything. So I put on some work pants and a loose cute shirt and I actually felt kinda cute. We had an awesome dinner as always. We watched are favorite shows and then we celebrated our anniversary. Overall it was a great night except me breaking down. So its have been about 3 weeks and 1 day since my D & C. I can say that I'm handling things alot better. I still read others blogs about miscarriage and I am still on the Pregnancy Loss Board but its not as much. I am still bitter towards pregnant women. Yesterday I had to train on a fax machine at the KMC Hospitial at the Mother/Baby Unit. I was so nervous that I would see a newborn in the nursery. I had to walk right by it to get the the nurses station. Thankfully no babies born. Thankfully I didnt hear anyone in labor. Thankfully it wasnt all that bad. I had a moment or two thinking I should be pregnant but I just let it slide. I guess I am focused on what is to come or maybe I'm ignoring it a little. Last week, I got a email stating that I was 13 weeks along. I deleted the email. It was kinda sad to know that I would be 13 weeks. I try not to think about what week I would of been. What I am really worried about is that Jenny (SIL) is being induced on May 13th or 14th. And I am so scared to see the newborn and everyone's excitment. Everyone is going to be so excited and forget that I am standing in the same room being sad. Thinking of my baby that was suppose to be born. Thinking I will never know my child. I am being honest here. I am scared out of my mind. I think I'll lose it. Then Jeff's grandparents are coming into town in June for the baby. We normally see them everyday when they are here in Ohio. We only see them once a year. So when we go over, the newborn will be there everytime. I dont know if I could handle seeing the baby everyday. I'm so scared that everyone is going to be mad at me. I cant say this is how I will feel but right now, this is all I worry about. I've been saying that if I were to get pregnant again, I would be okay. But lately, I think being pregnant isnt going to help these feeling away. Just because I am pregnant doesnt mean I am going to have a baby. So many steps have to happen. I will never say "I am going to have a baby", it will alway be " I am pregnant". I wont be okay until I have a baby in my arms. I dont care if I am 20 weeks, I wont stop worrying. I am not gonna want to talk about it. I dont want to get excited and plan out everything. I dont want to do the nursery until I am almost due. I dont want to be disappointed. Our family conversations at the table were baby names, nicknames and our plans. I dont want to do any of that. We probably wont tell until I am 20 weeks.. or when I start showing alot. But if it was up to me, I wouldnt tell until I have a baby in my arms. You can lose a baby anytime throughout your pregnancy. I read it online all the time. 16 weeks, 21 weeks, 22 weeks, 33 weeks. I just dont want to be disappointed. I am already embrrassed and if I were to lose again, then everyone is just going to feel so sorry for me and I dont want any of it. I am a little bitter today. Sorry!!
They are everywhere...
4/21/2008
Are you kidding me? No matter where I go... pregnant women are everywhere. Come on! Newborns too. We went to Target yesterday. There was a newborn and the mom kept asking is this outfit cute? They just so happpen to be in the same isle as I was in the whole store. Come on... then I go to Factory Card outlet and... bamn.... pregnant women. No matter where I go.. they are everywhere. Jeff and I watched Juno this weekend. We decided it would be a good baby step. Of course I cried when we got the movie. When we watched it, I kept telling myself... its just a movie. WHATEVER. I had my moments of tears. It was a good baby step. When I do see pregnant women, I try to tell myself that maybe she had a miscarriage too and that could be me. Maybe they had problems getting pregnant in the first place or maybe she had IVF done. So... I try really hard not to be bitter or mad at any pregnant women.
Are you kidding me? No matter where I go... pregnant women are everywhere. Come on! Newborns too. We went to Target yesterday. There was a newborn and the mom kept asking is this outfit cute? They just so happpen to be in the same isle as I was in the whole store. Come on... then I go to Factory Card outlet and... bamn.... pregnant women. No matter where I go.. they are everywhere. Jeff and I watched Juno this weekend. We decided it would be a good baby step. Of course I cried when we got the movie. When we watched it, I kept telling myself... its just a movie. WHATEVER. I had my moments of tears. It was a good baby step. When I do see pregnant women, I try to tell myself that maybe she had a miscarriage too and that could be me. Maybe they had problems getting pregnant in the first place or maybe she had IVF done. So... I try really hard not to be bitter or mad at any pregnant women.
Today was a GOOD day!
4/18/2008
I had my follow up appointment today. I was nervous because I didnt want to see any pregnant women. Lucky, I was one of the first appointments. My NP said hi and told me that her and her husband are praying for us and she was sorry for our lost. I thought that was sweet. She actually remembered me. Anyhow, we went into the ultrasound room. And I waited for the dr. I didnt know we were going to do another ultrasound. So .. I am sitting there reading a concieving magazine. And ... all of a sudden.. I heard ... a heart beating... really loud. They listen to it for about 30-45 seconds. I started getting all teary eyed and then knock at the door. Its my doctor. So.. she asks how are you? Are you still bleeding? And tells me that they checked out the sac and the placenta and everything looks normal. Then she does an ultrasound and my uterus is back to normal and I have no tissue left. THEN she said, you can try again after you first cycle. FIRST CYCLE PEOPLE!!!! I am SO excited. Just have to wait for AF (Aunt Flow) to get here. So if my cycle ends up the same... it will be in 31 days. I am actually on CD(cycle day) 15. I noticed though alot of girls are later than before. That would suck... basically having a period every month in a half. I know that sounds great but when your trying to make a baby...it sucks waiting. She also said she encourages me to loose the weight. I asked about my stomach and she said it should go down by my next AF. So... I feel so much better. I feel like I can talk about it. I feel like I can move on. Today was a good day!!!!
I had my follow up appointment today. I was nervous because I didnt want to see any pregnant women. Lucky, I was one of the first appointments. My NP said hi and told me that her and her husband are praying for us and she was sorry for our lost. I thought that was sweet. She actually remembered me. Anyhow, we went into the ultrasound room. And I waited for the dr. I didnt know we were going to do another ultrasound. So .. I am sitting there reading a concieving magazine. And ... all of a sudden.. I heard ... a heart beating... really loud. They listen to it for about 30-45 seconds. I started getting all teary eyed and then knock at the door. Its my doctor. So.. she asks how are you? Are you still bleeding? And tells me that they checked out the sac and the placenta and everything looks normal. Then she does an ultrasound and my uterus is back to normal and I have no tissue left. THEN she said, you can try again after you first cycle. FIRST CYCLE PEOPLE!!!! I am SO excited. Just have to wait for AF (Aunt Flow) to get here. So if my cycle ends up the same... it will be in 31 days. I am actually on CD(cycle day) 15. I noticed though alot of girls are later than before. That would suck... basically having a period every month in a half. I know that sounds great but when your trying to make a baby...it sucks waiting. She also said she encourages me to loose the weight. I asked about my stomach and she said it should go down by my next AF. So... I feel so much better. I feel like I can talk about it. I feel like I can move on. Today was a good day!!!!
Random Thoughts
4/17/2008
Madison's B-day party is on Saturday and I've finally decided not to go. I remember that there's going to be another pregnant girl there, so that would be a total of 3. I keep saying.. I am going to go to myself. I am not going to let this affect me. But then its like, once I see them... will I cry? Jeff says I need to take baby steps. So we decided to have Madison over on Sunday night and we will celebrate with family only. Lately I been thinking about... sitting the family down and say.... Lets talk about it. Do you have any questions for me? But then again, am I ready for this? At work I havent been really motivated. All I do is sit here and look up sites about miscarriages, and read miscarriage blogs. Looking for hope even though I know people around me have had a successful 2nd pregnancy. I guess its not enough. When Jeff and I found out that I was having a miscarriage, I cried and cried. I felt so embrrassed that I couldnt keep a baby inside me. I think this is the reason why I cant face anyone. I am embrrassed. I feel worthless. I didnt want to tell anyone. I didnt want to tell my family and I didnt want to tell my friends/co-workers. I felt less of a women and still do. I am a failure. I feel like I let Jeff down. He doesnt deserve this. He deserves perfect. He deserves the best. I kept thinking to myself, what is everyone going to think of me? Are they going to think less of me? Are they going to judge me? Are they going to think its my fault? I know its not my fault but I cant help think, was it because I did some REALLY bad things in my life. I wonder was it the stress of the Hep B? My body has failed me. I am living in a stranger's body. I am a normal, healthy person and my body said no. God said no. Can you tell me what in the world does God have planned for me? Does he know our house isnt going to sell this year? Did he want me to not look back at this pregnancy and think about the scare we had with Hep B? Why? Why me? I need answers and I know I wont find them in this lifetime.
Madison's B-day party is on Saturday and I've finally decided not to go. I remember that there's going to be another pregnant girl there, so that would be a total of 3. I keep saying.. I am going to go to myself. I am not going to let this affect me. But then its like, once I see them... will I cry? Jeff says I need to take baby steps. So we decided to have Madison over on Sunday night and we will celebrate with family only. Lately I been thinking about... sitting the family down and say.... Lets talk about it. Do you have any questions for me? But then again, am I ready for this? At work I havent been really motivated. All I do is sit here and look up sites about miscarriages, and read miscarriage blogs. Looking for hope even though I know people around me have had a successful 2nd pregnancy. I guess its not enough. When Jeff and I found out that I was having a miscarriage, I cried and cried. I felt so embrrassed that I couldnt keep a baby inside me. I think this is the reason why I cant face anyone. I am embrrassed. I feel worthless. I didnt want to tell anyone. I didnt want to tell my family and I didnt want to tell my friends/co-workers. I felt less of a women and still do. I am a failure. I feel like I let Jeff down. He doesnt deserve this. He deserves perfect. He deserves the best. I kept thinking to myself, what is everyone going to think of me? Are they going to think less of me? Are they going to judge me? Are they going to think its my fault? I know its not my fault but I cant help think, was it because I did some REALLY bad things in my life. I wonder was it the stress of the Hep B? My body has failed me. I am living in a stranger's body. I am a normal, healthy person and my body said no. God said no. Can you tell me what in the world does God have planned for me? Does he know our house isnt going to sell this year? Did he want me to not look back at this pregnancy and think about the scare we had with Hep B? Why? Why me? I need answers and I know I wont find them in this lifetime.
So MAD
4/14/2008
I have cried just about everyday this past week and weekend. You might have talked with me and I seem fine but I am not fine. I feel so alone even though I am not alone. I have support of friends and family but the majority of them just dont understand. I guess I am a little sensitive when it comes to others comments... at least thats what I've been told. I am just so mad. So mad that I have to deal with this situation. So mad at God because he knows that I am not that strong enough. So mad that I cant talk about it but yet I need to talk about it to move on. So mad that I am embarrassed to even cry in front of anyone but my husband. So mad that I think I am burdening someone with my story or my feelings when they ask. So mad that everyone thinks I am being so strong. So mad that I am not pregnant anymore. So mad that I still have a stomach. So mad that there are people in this world who dont want childern and yet I'm the one who has a miscarriage. So mad that my worse nightmare has happened to me. I am so mad that I am jealous of other pregnant women. So mad that I cant stand the sight of a newborn. So mad that I have thoughts about not trying to have a baby again. Yet I know in my heart... I want a family so badly. I am just so mad at me and everything thats around me. I am so mad that some of my friends havent called. I am so mad that I might have to miss Madison's B-day because there will be at least 3 pregnant women there. And I am so mad that I cant just listen to people's conversations about pregnancy and/or how excited they are or what their plans are. I am just so mad that I want to scream and cry my eyes out. I am so mad that there is nothing that anyone could say to make me feel better. I am so mad that when I am ready to talk about it.... that everyone has forgotten. I could go on .... but I think I have said enough.
I have cried just about everyday this past week and weekend. You might have talked with me and I seem fine but I am not fine. I feel so alone even though I am not alone. I have support of friends and family but the majority of them just dont understand. I guess I am a little sensitive when it comes to others comments... at least thats what I've been told. I am just so mad. So mad that I have to deal with this situation. So mad at God because he knows that I am not that strong enough. So mad that I cant talk about it but yet I need to talk about it to move on. So mad that I am embarrassed to even cry in front of anyone but my husband. So mad that I think I am burdening someone with my story or my feelings when they ask. So mad that everyone thinks I am being so strong. So mad that I am not pregnant anymore. So mad that I still have a stomach. So mad that there are people in this world who dont want childern and yet I'm the one who has a miscarriage. So mad that my worse nightmare has happened to me. I am so mad that I am jealous of other pregnant women. So mad that I cant stand the sight of a newborn. So mad that I have thoughts about not trying to have a baby again. Yet I know in my heart... I want a family so badly. I am just so mad at me and everything thats around me. I am so mad that some of my friends havent called. I am so mad that I might have to miss Madison's B-day because there will be at least 3 pregnant women there. And I am so mad that I cant just listen to people's conversations about pregnancy and/or how excited they are or what their plans are. I am just so mad that I want to scream and cry my eyes out. I am so mad that there is nothing that anyone could say to make me feel better. I am so mad that when I am ready to talk about it.... that everyone has forgotten. I could go on .... but I think I have said enough.
How does it feel to have a miscarriage?
4/10/2008
I get the comments about .... well it was early or .. its not like you cant have another baby. It just pisses me off....... I been thinking about this for days. Trying to fiqure out a way for people to understand. So here it goes....People with childern without miscarriages:Think of your very first child..... Think of their smile, their face, their personality. Think of all the times you laughed with them, tickled them. Smelled them. Think of all the times you fed them, play with them, clothed them, and bathe them. Think of the times you held them and kissed them. Now... do you remember when you were pregnant with them? Do you remember when you were 10 weeks along. You were just getting over being sick and your stomach probably was starting to show more. Now... think about if they were gone. Like they never existed....... Knowing what you know now about your child... wouldn't you be sad if you had lost them early in the pregnancy???? Well.. for me.. I never knew my child. I will never know what they would of looked like, I will never get to play with them, feed them, comfort them, bathe them. I will never know, at least in this life time. I might of never felt the baby move but I had all the signs that said I had a life growing inside me. Do you see my side of it???? Do you understand now???? Ask me: How many childern I have... I will always include this baby. He/she will NEVER be forgotten. NEVER!
I get the comments about .... well it was early or .. its not like you cant have another baby. It just pisses me off....... I been thinking about this for days. Trying to fiqure out a way for people to understand. So here it goes....People with childern without miscarriages:Think of your very first child..... Think of their smile, their face, their personality. Think of all the times you laughed with them, tickled them. Smelled them. Think of all the times you fed them, play with them, clothed them, and bathe them. Think of the times you held them and kissed them. Now... do you remember when you were pregnant with them? Do you remember when you were 10 weeks along. You were just getting over being sick and your stomach probably was starting to show more. Now... think about if they were gone. Like they never existed....... Knowing what you know now about your child... wouldn't you be sad if you had lost them early in the pregnancy???? Well.. for me.. I never knew my child. I will never know what they would of looked like, I will never get to play with them, feed them, comfort them, bathe them. I will never know, at least in this life time. I might of never felt the baby move but I had all the signs that said I had a life growing inside me. Do you see my side of it???? Do you understand now???? Ask me: How many childern I have... I will always include this baby. He/she will NEVER be forgotten. NEVER!
Friends
4/10/2008
I must say that I am very disappointed in some of my friends. Some have found out about my miscarriage from myspace or by others but they have yet to call to see how I am doing. These are some of my closest friends for years and not one phone call. I dont know if they think I might need my time, but if they know me like they should... these are the friends that I CAN talk to about this. I dont know what I should do. This is just one more thing that's on my mind.
I must say that I am very disappointed in some of my friends. Some have found out about my miscarriage from myspace or by others but they have yet to call to see how I am doing. These are some of my closest friends for years and not one phone call. I dont know if they think I might need my time, but if they know me like they should... these are the friends that I CAN talk to about this. I dont know what I should do. This is just one more thing that's on my mind.
Bad Day Yesterday (Wednesday)
4/10/2008
Yesterday, I had so many people ask "How are you feeling and How are you doing?". How do you think I am feeling people. I just have to say I have my bad days and good days.. which good days turn into .. somewhat bad days. It surprises me on how I will react to a comment and so forth. So... I decided that since we will try again and everyone says you will be sad no matter what stage you are at in grieving, that I decided to get a book about miscarriages. So I went to Borders and they had one book and then I went to Barnes and Noble and they as well only had one book. I only got the book at Borders but I was really looking for something about grieving. I want to make sure that I am emotionally ready for the next time. Usually when someone dies.. I cry and I will be sad for awhile ..but I must say.. I dont go through the steps of healing. I kinda ignore it. Anyways.. they guy at Barnes and Noble... said I am sorry like 100 times and he ordered a bunch of books for me. He was so nice. I almost wanted to cry and yell at him. But he kept saying sorry so I held it in. So then I talked to Jeff on my way home (like I do everyday) and he told me that Amanda is pregnant again. For those who dont know who she is, it's Jeff's cousin's wife. This would be their 3 rd child. No problems. They offered not to come to Madison's B-day party because of my miscarriage but of course I said .. please come. What am I suppose to say" NO" Come on..... When I saw Jenny on Sunday, I got all teary eyed because she's pregnant and due very soon. I thought I would be okay since she was pregnant before I was.. but of course it hurts. I think the only things I need to get over is pregnant women and seeing and holding babies. And I guess talking about pregnancy is hard as well. I cried my eyes out yesterday all the way home because of Amanda's pregnancy. It was just a bad day......
Yesterday, I had so many people ask "How are you feeling and How are you doing?". How do you think I am feeling people. I just have to say I have my bad days and good days.. which good days turn into .. somewhat bad days. It surprises me on how I will react to a comment and so forth. So... I decided that since we will try again and everyone says you will be sad no matter what stage you are at in grieving, that I decided to get a book about miscarriages. So I went to Borders and they had one book and then I went to Barnes and Noble and they as well only had one book. I only got the book at Borders but I was really looking for something about grieving. I want to make sure that I am emotionally ready for the next time. Usually when someone dies.. I cry and I will be sad for awhile ..but I must say.. I dont go through the steps of healing. I kinda ignore it. Anyways.. they guy at Barnes and Noble... said I am sorry like 100 times and he ordered a bunch of books for me. He was so nice. I almost wanted to cry and yell at him. But he kept saying sorry so I held it in. So then I talked to Jeff on my way home (like I do everyday) and he told me that Amanda is pregnant again. For those who dont know who she is, it's Jeff's cousin's wife. This would be their 3 rd child. No problems. They offered not to come to Madison's B-day party because of my miscarriage but of course I said .. please come. What am I suppose to say" NO" Come on..... When I saw Jenny on Sunday, I got all teary eyed because she's pregnant and due very soon. I thought I would be okay since she was pregnant before I was.. but of course it hurts. I think the only things I need to get over is pregnant women and seeing and holding babies. And I guess talking about pregnancy is hard as well. I cried my eyes out yesterday all the way home because of Amanda's pregnancy. It was just a bad day......
Sad
4/8/2008
I've always heard that when someone dies, a new life is born. I come to work and this guy who is one of our service techs shows me his newborn pictures. I was so excited from the beginning for him. But he told me that she had the baby on April 1st, 2008. On April 1st, I was miscarryying and April 2nd, I had my D & C. Such a happy and exciting time for them and such a sad couple of days for me.
I've always heard that when someone dies, a new life is born. I come to work and this guy who is one of our service techs shows me his newborn pictures. I was so excited from the beginning for him. But he told me that she had the baby on April 1st, 2008. On April 1st, I was miscarryying and April 2nd, I had my D & C. Such a happy and exciting time for them and such a sad couple of days for me.
I'll hold you in heaven
4/7/2008
I'll Hold You in Heaven
by Jo Ann Taylor
From the very beginning I loved you,As I made plans to hold you and rock you:You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,But something went wrong and soon you were gone;My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,I'd never known such heartache and pain.I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,Do you have my smile and his eyes?Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.I'll hold you in heaven someday,When my trials on earth pass away;The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,I know you're waiting for me;I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",But I'll hold you in heaven someday.
I'll Hold You in Heaven
by Jo Ann Taylor
From the very beginning I loved you,As I made plans to hold you and rock you:You were tiny and helpless as you lay in my womb,But something went wrong and soon you were gone;My young heart was broken, my tears fell like rain,I'd never known such heartache and pain.I wonder who you look like, me or your dad,Do you have my smile and his eyes?Would you have been big and tall or tiny and small?We had dreams for you that reached to the skies.It was long, long ago and I still miss you so,Thanks to Jesus, I'll see you in heaven.I'll hold you in heaven someday,When my trials on earth pass away;The angels have rocked you, the Father watches over you,I know you're waiting for me;I never could hold you or tell you "Goodbye",But I'll hold you in heaven someday.
My healing starts......
4/7/2008
I found this post at the "thenestbabies.com" under Pregnancy Loss:I'd like to share an email my BFF sent me after hearing about my m/c. It was the most beautiful words I'd ever read and helped comfort me. Just to share a little background my mother passed away when I was 12 (there is reference to that in the following letter). Also my cousin suffered 2 m/c, who is referred to also in the letter. I hope you enjoy.God can make good out of any situation…its brought you closer to your husband, you now have a new sense of empathy to other’s who have gone through the same thing…Heather, although she too has gone through this pain, can now use her experience to help you through your own sadness and that is the beauty of the humanness that God has given us. No matter how small a child is, they can always teach us about ourselves and lessons in life that are so profound. You will all someday meet and love on your child when you’re in heaven and that is what is so amazing about the promise that the Lord had given to us!! When Jesus arose, he conquered death; it has no hold over us ANYMORE!!!! The baby’s life is just BEGINNING!!!!! Praise the Lord!!!! Can you imagine the joy and happiness your child is experiencing right now????? I know that your mom is loving on her grandbaby. What a blessing you have given her. I hope that these words give you some amount of comfort.... Don’t give up on your dream of having more children…you two have so much love to give and it is ok that you shared this with people…we are to share in each other’s joy and sorrow, so never feel bad about that part, ok?
I started to cry when I read this. This comforts me in so many ways. I am in the same situation except my grandma died in August and It just gave me such great comfort to know that our baby is with my grandma and Jeff's grandparents as well. I also have a close friend, Lilan, who has suffered from 3 miscarriages but yet she has 2 beautiful childern afterwards. She gives me great hope that everything will be okay. She has also helped me in so many ways to help me say good-bye. It was funny though.. weeks before all this, she just told me that she wanted to help others who suffer through miscarriages. Maybe her job isnt to get a job to help others but maybe its was to help me. I thank you Lilian from the bottom of my heart!
I found this post at the "thenestbabies.com" under Pregnancy Loss:I'd like to share an email my BFF sent me after hearing about my m/c. It was the most beautiful words I'd ever read and helped comfort me. Just to share a little background my mother passed away when I was 12 (there is reference to that in the following letter). Also my cousin suffered 2 m/c, who is referred to also in the letter. I hope you enjoy.God can make good out of any situation…its brought you closer to your husband, you now have a new sense of empathy to other’s who have gone through the same thing…Heather, although she too has gone through this pain, can now use her experience to help you through your own sadness and that is the beauty of the humanness that God has given us. No matter how small a child is, they can always teach us about ourselves and lessons in life that are so profound. You will all someday meet and love on your child when you’re in heaven and that is what is so amazing about the promise that the Lord had given to us!! When Jesus arose, he conquered death; it has no hold over us ANYMORE!!!! The baby’s life is just BEGINNING!!!!! Praise the Lord!!!! Can you imagine the joy and happiness your child is experiencing right now????? I know that your mom is loving on her grandbaby. What a blessing you have given her. I hope that these words give you some amount of comfort.... Don’t give up on your dream of having more children…you two have so much love to give and it is ok that you shared this with people…we are to share in each other’s joy and sorrow, so never feel bad about that part, ok?
I started to cry when I read this. This comforts me in so many ways. I am in the same situation except my grandma died in August and It just gave me such great comfort to know that our baby is with my grandma and Jeff's grandparents as well. I also have a close friend, Lilan, who has suffered from 3 miscarriages but yet she has 2 beautiful childern afterwards. She gives me great hope that everything will be okay. She has also helped me in so many ways to help me say good-bye. It was funny though.. weeks before all this, she just told me that she wanted to help others who suffer through miscarriages. Maybe her job isnt to get a job to help others but maybe its was to help me. I thank you Lilian from the bottom of my heart!
My Miscarriage
4/7/2008
I started spotting (bleeding) on Saturday. My doctor told me that it was probably nothing, but if it got worse, or if I starting cramping to give her a call. It got worse on Sunday night, so Monday morning Jeff and Iwent to the hospital and they didn't hear a heart beat. The baby's length only measured that of a 7 week old baby, and I was supposedly at 10 weeks. The doctor assured us that this is quite common, and was very sure that it was a chromosomal issue. For those that are interested, the sperm and egg have 23 complete sets of chromosomes. During fertilization, the egg and sperm split and combine, creating a new 23 complete sets. If each chromosome doesn't line up correctly with it's counterpart, the baby doesn't form properly, and is usually aborted in the form of a miscarriage. We were quite surprised to find that about 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, and something like 80% of those are from chromosomal issues. The doctors don't worry about a miscarriage until you have had 2 or 3 in a row, and we were told that we should be able to try again in about 3-4 months. My D & C was on April 2nd, 2008. I was really scared. Before my procedure, my doctor gave me some tablets to help me dilate my cervix. By time I got to the hospital and got settle in, I was in major pain. They say a miscarriage is like giving birth. The cramps are contractions. So since they saw me in so much pain, the anesthesiologist gave me some pain meds to take the edge off. A hour later.. I was in the OR. I held my dr's hand because I was so scared. She felt so bad for me since the week before I had tested a false positive for Hep B. As I woke up, my first words were " Can I have something to drink"? I was thirsty!! And hungry. About 20 minutes later, I was in the room with my mom and Jeff. I felt awesome afterwards. I didnt have any cramps but I still have bleeding and that could last up to another week. As for my healing...... this is the beginning.....
I started spotting (bleeding) on Saturday. My doctor told me that it was probably nothing, but if it got worse, or if I starting cramping to give her a call. It got worse on Sunday night, so Monday morning Jeff and Iwent to the hospital and they didn't hear a heart beat. The baby's length only measured that of a 7 week old baby, and I was supposedly at 10 weeks. The doctor assured us that this is quite common, and was very sure that it was a chromosomal issue. For those that are interested, the sperm and egg have 23 complete sets of chromosomes. During fertilization, the egg and sperm split and combine, creating a new 23 complete sets. If each chromosome doesn't line up correctly with it's counterpart, the baby doesn't form properly, and is usually aborted in the form of a miscarriage. We were quite surprised to find that about 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, and something like 80% of those are from chromosomal issues. The doctors don't worry about a miscarriage until you have had 2 or 3 in a row, and we were told that we should be able to try again in about 3-4 months. My D & C was on April 2nd, 2008. I was really scared. Before my procedure, my doctor gave me some tablets to help me dilate my cervix. By time I got to the hospital and got settle in, I was in major pain. They say a miscarriage is like giving birth. The cramps are contractions. So since they saw me in so much pain, the anesthesiologist gave me some pain meds to take the edge off. A hour later.. I was in the OR. I held my dr's hand because I was so scared. She felt so bad for me since the week before I had tested a false positive for Hep B. As I woke up, my first words were " Can I have something to drink"? I was thirsty!! And hungry. About 20 minutes later, I was in the room with my mom and Jeff. I felt awesome afterwards. I didnt have any cramps but I still have bleeding and that could last up to another week. As for my healing...... this is the beginning.....
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