So MAD

4/14/2008
I have cried just about everyday this past week and weekend. You might have talked with me and I seem fine but I am not fine. I feel so alone even though I am not alone. I have support of friends and family but the majority of them just dont understand. I guess I am a little sensitive when it comes to others comments... at least thats what I've been told. I am just so mad. So mad that I have to deal with this situation. So mad at God because he knows that I am not that strong enough. So mad that I cant talk about it but yet I need to talk about it to move on. So mad that I am embarrassed to even cry in front of anyone but my husband. So mad that I think I am burdening someone with my story or my feelings when they ask. So mad that everyone thinks I am being so strong. So mad that I am not pregnant anymore. So mad that I still have a stomach. So mad that there are people in this world who dont want childern and yet I'm the one who has a miscarriage. So mad that my worse nightmare has happened to me. I am so mad that I am jealous of other pregnant women. So mad that I cant stand the sight of a newborn. So mad that I have thoughts about not trying to have a baby again. Yet I know in my heart... I want a family so badly. I am just so mad at me and everything thats around me. I am so mad that some of my friends havent called. I am so mad that I might have to miss Madison's B-day because there will be at least 3 pregnant women there. And I am so mad that I cant just listen to people's conversations about pregnancy and/or how excited they are or what their plans are. I am just so mad that I want to scream and cry my eyes out. I am so mad that there is nothing that anyone could say to make me feel better. I am so mad that when I am ready to talk about it.... that everyone has forgotten. I could go on .... but I think I have said enough.